Monday, February 18, 2013

My Father, the Gigolo

I don't know what it is about the males in my family that causes the women of the world to find them totally irresistable.  Men of all ages in the family often have to beat women off with a stick. For example:

1. My sister Sandra called us once in hysterics when her son was 6 years old. Some "fast little girl" in his class was calling him on the phone and waiting for him outside the school and kept inviting over to her house to play. (for the record, the knucklehead is now 26 and still getting calls from girls, only the games they want to play aren't quite as innocent)

2. Uncle John & Cousin Henderson came to visit us when I was 14 or so. (that would have put them in their mid 50's- early 60's) They spent a few hours entertaining us with their adventures, and then were heading out to a bowling tournament. As they were leaving our apartment, 2 20-something bimbos were heading up the stairs to see our next door neighbor. "Well, HELLO there!" says Henderson. "Party's going this way, girls!" added Uncle John. Damned if those little bimbos didn't start wiggling/giggling and follow those old goats out of the building. Mom sent me after them to say that she was calling their wives if they didn't send those twits back upstairs, PRONTO.

3. My brother, Neanderthal Idiot, has been married 5 times and has 6 children (that we know of) with 5 different women. Only 1 baby momma was ever married to him.

4. The girls at our favorite Chinese restaurant think Daddy is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. They fuss and fawn over him, have been known to make special dishes for him when he just picks at food from the buffet, and god forbid we go there without him because they ignore our table if we do.

5. The little old ladies at the parental church of choice love Daddy too. They constantly invite him to gatherings and parties. Mom is usually added onto invitations, clearly as an afterthought. I had to go to one dinner with them and explain that I would cut an old bitch if she didn't quit trying to seduce my father.

6. Baby girls love Daddy too. If there's a baby/toddler within eyeshot, she will zero in on my dad and started cooing & giggling. We had one wiggle out of her booster seat and try to follow us out of the Chinese restaurant once. Daddy picked her up and took her back to her momma, and then they both flirted with him.

7. The most recent bimbo attack was the Friday before the Super Bowl. The grocery store that my parents shop in most often has a $tarbuck$ in it. Mom offered to buy Dad a tall blonde roast coffee and leave him in a chair there while she did the shopping. (Dad doesn't like strong coffee, so theirs isn't normally his favorite, but he does like the new lighter roast) He said no, he'd get it at the end of the trip- I think he wanted to stay with her in the hopes of hurrying her up. They filled the cart and were heading up to the checkout when Mom said this leggy, half-dressed blonde stopped Dad and asked him where the peanut butter was. (About 2 feet past him and VERY visible) She went on, thinking Dad was behind her, checked out, and walked over to Starbucks. Suddenly realizing that Dad wasn't there, she frowned. The cashier asked if she needed help with something, and without missing a beat, Mom said "I told my husband I'd get him a tall blonde, but I guess he decided to go with the one he picked up in the jelly aisle." The cashier about wet himself laughing. Dad showed up a few minutes later, looking sheepish, and claimed he'd gone to look at magazines after helping Blondie find the peanut butter.

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