Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Making My Bed

How normal people make the bed:

Put clean sheets on bed, find something else to do afterward.

How I make the bed when one or more of the cats decide to help:

Remove cat from basket of freshly laundered sheets.

Find fitted sheet.

Remove cat from mattress.

Get first corner in place, move cat to get at second corner.

Try to get third corner. Move cat. Try again.

Move cat. Start tugging sheet to make 4th corner fit. Move cat.

Reach for flat sheet. Remove cat from laundry basket.

Shake sheet out, see that the damned cat is on the bed again.

Drape sheet over bed & cat. Laugh as cat panics and begins to do laps between the sheets.

Remember that cats are vindictive little assholes & likely to pee on bed. Pull sheet back for cat to escape.

Cat then lounges in center of bed.

Remove cat. Attempt to spread sheet out neatly. Remove cat.

Grab comforter. Tuck under arm and remove the fucking cat from the damn bed again.

Shake comforter over bed. Of course the brain dead cat is back in the center of the bed.

Watch cat do another set of laps before pulling it out and gently tossing it out of the room.

Stuff pillows into cases. Arrange pillows around the misbegotten little beast that is back on the bed AGAIN.

Remove cat. Keep tucked under arm as you leave the room & close the door. Put him down & realize his brother is nowhere to be seen.

Open bedroom door and see other fucking cat lolling on bed.

Weep bitter tears of rage & resignation. Scream in frustration, and watch BOTH cats flee.

Silently thank lucky stars that third cat is still outside and NOT ON THE DAMNED BED.