Monday, June 18, 2012

Monday Musings- Unbreak my heart

One of the hardest things to do in life is say goodbye to a beloved pet. I had to do exactly that last week. My beautiful Felicity, aka Lissa-kitten, began having seizures Monday night. I picked her up after she stopped thrashing and she was breathing heavily and was very disoriented. I rushed her to the emergency clinic, praying that there would be something that could be done to keep her with me. The vet told me that she was very weak, with a possible heart murmur and that the bloodwork indicated her kidneys were in the beginning stages of failing. She was anemic due to our ongoing battle with fleas, and the doctor suspected that the seizure was caused by a brain tumor. My choices were take her home and hope for the best, or let her go with some dignity and less suffering.

I had to do it. She deserved not to be scared and in pain. So I held her close and told her what a good girl she was and how much I love her and that it was ok to let go because her brother Donahue was waiting for her on the other side, and I let the vet give her the shot that set her sweet little soul free. I held in the tears as I watched the light go out in her beautiful green-gold eyes, and sobbed when she went limp. The vet was kind, but the pain was still there. She let me stay with my baby girl for a while stroking her soft fur & crying in a private room, before they took her away.

To add insult to injury, as I stood sobbing at the counter to pay the receptionist, the radio began playing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Everything hurts, still. Greymalkin & Nightshade keep looking for their big sister and I have no way to explain to them that she's gone. I cried when I found one of her milk jug rings hidden in my tennis shoe yersterday. Liss always had a thing for shoes- sleeping on them, hiding toys in them, the cat loved shoes more than Imelda Marcos.

I wish I'd had given her a can of stinky gooshyfood on that last day- she could hear a pull tab from a mile away and would race to the kitchen, wind around my ankles, and yowl insistantly until I put the bowl down in front of her. Her favorites were the ones with salmon and/or shrimp. Malkin & Shady would get to lick the gravy off theirs and as soon as Liss was done with hers, she'd knock them aside and finish theirs. She also knew the sound of the treat canister opening, and it produced the same results.

The weather was nice enough to open the windows for a few days, and that triggered another flood of tears. Felicity loved lounging in the windows, letting the sun shine on her belly and the wind ruffle her  soft tortoiseshell fur. She would churrup at anyone who passed by, encouraging them to come worship her. My mail carrier used to talk to her whenever she was in the front window.  I couldn't resist freaking him out when I heard him once- he said "How's my little sweetheart today?" I was standing just to the side of the window, out of sight, and answered for her.  "Fine, darling, how are you?" He damn near fell off the porch. I came out to apologize and he promised me that he wasn't a weirdo, Liss always talked to him so he thought he'd talk to her for a change. He asked about her Thursday and I had to tell him she was gone. We both cried.

I have a million and one stories to tell about my silly girl. They'll have to wait for future posts. There's a box of tissues calling my name right now...

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