Monday, June 4, 2012

Monday Musings- Ooops, I lost it again...

Hello, my name is Mickey, and I suffer from extreme road rage. Seriously. I don't even have to be the one driving- the rare occasions when I'm the passenger will STILL see me screaming at other cars. (Most of my friends find this to be hysterically funny)I've had an ex ask me if I knew I developed Tourette's syndrome when I was behind the wheel of a car, only to be confounded when I screamed at people while HE was driving.  I've been told I should be a NYC cab driver.

George Carlin had a routine about sharing the road, where he mused "Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, while anyone going faster is a maniac?" My addendum to that is "and they're all total asshats!"

I hate slow drivers. I hate drivers who go on for miles with their turn signals blinking forever. (How do you NOT know that? My car sounds an alarm if the signal blinks for more than a few minutes) I really hate the people who are so busy yapping on their cell phones that they forget to pay attention to the fact that they are behind the wheel of a potentially lethal piece of machinery.  (I must confess that I am bad about that sort of thing, which is EXACTLY why I rarely make/take calls while I'm driving) These are the morons who either get so involved in their talk that they don't realize they've slowed down to well below the speed limit/drift over into my lane and then give me a dirty look when I honk & flip them off/realize at the last minute that they're passing their exit and cut me off trying to get to it.

More dislikes: drivers who act as though they don't know people on an entrance ramp will need to be in THAT lane and don't get over (if possible, I realize it isn't always feasible) and/or get so close to my car that they can see the whites of my eyes. (These people also get a good look at my tonsils why I'm screaming curses at them) Drivers who follow the herd instinct and park their car right beside mine, ususally so close that I can barely get in/out. (These are the same kind of people who look at a mostly empty movie theater and then choose to sit directly in front of me) Drivers who think it is THEIR job to enforce the speed limit and try to act as rolling roadblocks to make YOU slow down. (my least-favorite ex, Schmucknuts, would do that- I told him once that if the guy he pulled that on killed him, I'd testify that he had it coming)

Drivers who throw their trash and/or cigarettes out the window while driving. Thanks for obscuring my vision with your burger wrapper, or setting my paint on fire with your cigarette!

Drivers who view driving in inclement weather as a personal challenge. I am a leadfoot. I know this, my friends/family know this, and police officers know this. (Thank heaven I work for the local PD, and most of them are content to let me off with a scolding or I'd have probably lost my license by now. LOL) But even *I* slow down for rain & snow. Especially snow. I grew up at the beach- we rarely had snow there. Despite having lived here for 14 years, I am not comfortable driving in it and admit I become one of the slowpoke drivers I normally hate, but I always stay in the far right lane and try not to impede faster moving traffic. Even so, if the snow is falling so fast that windshield wipers can't keep up, and the roads have clearly not been treated/cleared, SLOW THE F*** DOWN. I can't tell you how many wrecks I've seen as a result of some idiot thinking they're Speed Racer in a blizzard. (I'm only on the road in that kind of weather if I absolutely HAVE to go to/from work) One of the best moments of my life was when I got to witness a police officer from the local 'rich' area (of COURSE they have their own PD) come flying up past me, only to lose control of his car on an on-ramp, and go flying in circles into a semi who had pulled over to wait for better visibility. Why YES, the officer from MY PD & I had a good time filling out the report for that one.

I'm sure there are many other things that irritate me while driving. I could keep going on, but you get the idea. I also realize that I probably irritate the hell out of other people on the road. That's their problem- they can get their own blog.


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