As mentioned before, I don't have children. I have cats. My three fur-balls have taken it upon themselves to make sure I still get the surreal moments associated with parenting. For your consideration (a brief version of this appeared on my FB page the day it happened):
Felicity, who in her senility has taken to pooping at random spots around the house, was in the litter box. (welcome change) Greymalkin just couldn't wait for her to finish her business and clear out, so he hopped in with her. The box is big, so there is theoretically room for both of them. Sadly, Liss was in at an angle across the middle of the box, so Malkin decided to straddle her....and peed right on her.
How do I know this? The litter box is in the utility room and I was in the process of putting in a load of laundry. I never in my life thought I would hear myself screech "Are you out of your tiny little mind?!? Don't pee on your sister!"
Well, you know what had to come next. I reluctantly grabbed a pissed off (and pissed on) Felicity and headed for the bathroom. I closed the door, turned on the tap in the bathtub and began operation All Hell Breaking Loose. Felicity screamed like a banshee. I managed to get her under the tap and she twisted around until her head was by my foot (I was sitting on the side of the tub by this point) and sank her fangs into my big toe. Now *I'm* screaming like a banshee.
What felt like hours later (but was probably about 90 seconds), I pried Liss's little jaws apart and freed my toe. I decided that first aid was going to have to wait until this little demon was clean. I let go for a second to grab the kitty shampoo, and she started doing laps around the tub. By this point, there was water everywhere and she couldn't manage to claw her way out. She finally went limp when I grabbed her again and let me finish scrubbing & rinsing her.
For all the fuss that Felicity puts up when she gets a bath, she DOES enjoy the post-bath drying off. I didn't use the hair dryer on her this time (see earlier posts for Adventures In Felicity Bathing), but got her fairly dry with the towels. I carried her limp little body out to the living room and placed her in her favorite window...which just happened to be in full sunlight with a warm breeze blowing through. She rolled over to get maximum sunlight on her belly and allowed as she thought she might live.
Time spent wrestling demon cat in tub and post-bath grooming: approximately 45 minutes
Towels and bathmats used to clean up the wet cat explosion: 6
Time spent cleaning bathroom, cleaning self, and administering antibiotic ointment to my foot: roughly 60 minutes