Monday, May 14, 2012

Monday Musings- Dear Officer edition

I was scrolling back through my email archives and found this little gem that's going to make it into the book someday. The incidents that prompted this took place approximately 4 days into the new year.

Dear Officers,

Here is a less-than-friendly reminder that it is NOT my job as a property clerk to do any of the following:

1.       Look up your case in the computer and read you the list of all 120 items submitted as evidence because you are too inept/lazy to look it up yourself.
2.       Pull any of said 120 items and open them to see if they contain a computer power cord. Since they were submitted by the Crime Scene Unit and they document EVERYTHING, if it was in one of them, it would say so in the description. If you want to check anyway, bring your happy ass down here and open the packages yourself. I am not opening myself up to an evidence tampering charge because you’re an idiot.
3.       Unload the gun you just brought in. Unless you want me to unload it by popping caps in your ass for being dumb enough to hand me a loaded gun in the first place.
4.       Determine what kind of drug you brought in. If I ask you if it’s crack or powder cocaine (and for federal reporting purposes they ARE classified separately), do not tell me to put it in as whatever I feel like. You’re likely to get a property slip that says “Baggie of crap that officer is too stupid to identify.”  If you really don’t know, just say that. I can list it as unknown powder and the lab will test it.
5.       Classify the item you brought in. You only have three choices- Evidence, Found Property, and Personal Property, so I don’t know why you have such a hard time figuring it out. Dithering will get you cussed out and the item thrown at you. If it isn’t found property that you don’t know the owner of, or personal items that the jail wouldn’t take or you forgot to give back, then it is EVIDENCE. Period. There is no such thing as Found Evidence, or Just Property.

Seriously, you need to start remembering these things. Many of you have been told them REPEATEDLY. I will start branding you with  “I AM AN IDIOT”  labels if this continues. My therapist and I thank you for your consideration.

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