I was scrolling back through my email archives and found this little gem that's going to make it into the book someday. The incidents that prompted this took place approximately 4 days into the new year.
Dear Officers,
Here is a less-than-friendly reminder that it is NOT my job as a property clerk to do any of the following:
1.
Look up your case in the computer and read you the
list of all 120 items submitted as evidence because you are too
inept/lazy to look it up yourself.
2.
Pull any of said 120 items and open them to see if
they contain a computer power cord. Since they were submitted by the
Crime Scene Unit and they document EVERYTHING, if it was in one of them,
it would say so in the description. If you
want to check anyway, bring your happy ass down here and open the
packages yourself. I am not opening myself up to an evidence tampering
charge because you’re an idiot.
3.
Unload the gun you just brought in. Unless you want
me to unload it by popping caps in your ass for being dumb enough to
hand me a loaded gun in the first place.
4.
Determine what kind of drug you brought in. If I
ask you if it’s crack or powder cocaine (and for federal reporting
purposes they ARE classified separately), do not tell me to put it in as
whatever I feel like. You’re likely to get a
property slip that says “Baggie of crap that officer is too stupid to
identify.” If you really don’t know, just say that. I can list it as
unknown powder and the lab will test it.
5.
Classify the item you brought in. You only have
three choices- Evidence, Found Property, and Personal Property, so I
don’t know why you have such a hard time figuring it out. Dithering will
get you cussed out and the item thrown at you.
If it isn’t found property that you don’t know the owner of, or
personal items that the jail wouldn’t take or you forgot to give back,
then it is EVIDENCE. Period. There is no such thing as Found Evidence,
or Just Property.
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