I may get in trouble for the call I’m about to describe to you, but it was worth it. This happened last week:
Idiot Caller: Where you say this was?
Me: Police Department Property Room
IC: What’s that?
M: We store evidence for officers.
IC: What kind of officers?
M: I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.
IC: Do you just store property for the Christian officers, or do you store stuff for those godless Jews & Muslim officers too?
M: *jaw dropping* Um, we store evidence for any authorized LMPD officer, regardless of religious preference.
IC: That ain’t right. Making Christians take evidence from heathen officers- do you store that junk separately from the good stuff?
M: *wondering if this is a test or if my antihistamines have affected my brain* Ma’am, we store all evidence in the appropriate places, again without regard for the officer’s religious leanings. (My co-worker is now staring at me in disbelief and starting to crack up)
IC: That just isn’t right. Don’t you think, as a Christian, that it’s wrong to do that?
M: *what the hell* Actually ma’am, I’m not a Christian.
IC: WHAT?!? *goes into tirade about godless heathens, the decline of the world, and ends with* Just what DO you believe then, missy?
M: *giving in to the urge* I worship Satan ma’am.
IC: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. *click*
M: *putting down the receiver* I bet she doesn’t even tell anyone that I was the most polite Satanist she’s ever spoken to.
(My coworker is now on the floor, gasping for breath)
I didn't get in trouble- at least not yet. She did apparently call back and got my Sgt. This is usually not a good thing, but he wasn’t in the mood for BS like that today, but he was in a good (for him) mood. I walked in and was greeted with “Hail Satan!” He said she was screaming about how we shouldn’t be allowed to do the job if we weren’t Christians and what did he intend to do about it? “I told her that we’d just gotten you to stop making sacrifices in the parking lot on your break, and you only wear horns three days a week now. She shrieked ‘Lord help us all!’ and hung up on me.”
I was going to ask what made him so sure it was me she’d talked to, but let’s face it- if it’s a situation THAT bizarre, with a comment that smart-assed, it’s going to involve me.