More Reasons That I Loathe Valentine's Day

Things that were said to me by the chuckleheads that I happened to be dating at the time V-day rolled around:


1. "Ahhh, flowers a waste of money, but we had these leftover from a promotion at work, so I grabbed you a couple. They were just going to go in the garbage anyway." Schmucknuts strikes again.


2. "Flowers are a waste of money. They just die." Then, after I said he could have just picked some out of the yard and I'd have been happy, "Those don't count- you'd know I didn't pay for them." Dipshit from High School

3. "I didn't get you any candy because you don't really need it." Schmucknuts again

4. "I didn't know what kind of candy you'd like. Besides, I didn't think we did the touchy feely crap." Beast. (you'd think at some point during the 10 or so years we were together he MIGHT have learned what candy I eat)

5. "How would it look if I was seen buying some dumb pink girlie card in a store?" Beast again, concerned about his tough guy image

6. "Oh, I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day with you because my old girlfriend and I considered it our anniversary." The Lump, about 2 weeks before we broke up.

7. "Uh, you think we're dating? I thought we were just sleeping together." The jerk I lost my virginity to in college



So, you see, even when I *HAD* someone, I couldn't win. And I've pretty much lost all hope.

The Date That Wasn't

So, in a moment of insanity, I decided to give internet dating one final shot. I signed up on a different site than any of the ones I'd tried before, sorted through several likely looking candidates, emailed back and forth with a few of them, and finally agreed to meet one at the Barnes & Ignoble cafe on Saturday. Now, as per my earlier attempts at e-dating, I did not put a picture on my profile. I was VERY honest in my description of myself when he asked what I looked like because that's what I do. He apparently thought I was kidding or exaggerating, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Saturday rolled around and I made myself get up and get ready for this date. I didn't have really high expectations for it, but I thought it would be nice to get out and it might give me a confidence boost to try another one. That didn't happen.

I sat there in that damned cafe for 40 minutes before he showed up. He took one look at me and walked back out, not realizing that I'd seen him. I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback by that. I waited a minute or two, hoping that maybe he'd just gone back to his car to get his cell phone or something. Uh-uh. He'd left. I got a lame email excuse from him a little later that evening, which I took great glee in savagely responding to. Then I deactivated my account on that site and officially declared myself through with online dating. For real, this time.


The evening wasn't a total loss. I got myself a take-out dinner from a nice restaurant (I wasn't feeling cheery enough to sit in the place eating alone surrounded by couples on date night) and spent the rest of the night watching Tom Hiddleston movies at home.

187 Men To Avoid- Dan/Danielle Brown

There isn't much to this- just a list of the types of men a single woman should avoid. Examples include:

Men who "just want to be friends."

Men who think farting is cute.

Men who burn fake logs.


Part of me can't help thinking that a similar book written about women would probably have never been published. Also, I wonder what it says about me that some of the categories listed in the Men book apply to me?

FYI- I don't think farting is cute, but it can be funny as hell. One side of my family views it as a contact sport, so family gatherings are pungent, yet entertaining.

Bad Dates 4- The Yahoo Personals Date w/Surprise Bonus Follow-up!

Oh yeah. I went there. The same idiot friend, M, who set me up on the first blind date managed to talk me into the early days of online dating. (in retrospect, it looks like *I'm* the idiot since I keep letting myself be talked into these things) It actually started as a class project- we were learning computer skills (a class mandated by the school for the non-traditional students. Really useless as most of us were more savvy than our instructors as well as our fellow traditional students) and one of the projects was to join an online group that related to one of our interests. Since most of the wrestling chat rooms were (and probably still are) mostly filled with comments like "THE ROOOOOCK IS SOOOOOO HOTTTT!!!1!" and "UR A GAY TARD!", and most of the rooms I found for my other interests were mainly peopled with freaks trolling for sex (again, probably still are) I was not enjoying this project.

Then M found the Yahoo personals. Have just broken up with her on/off boyfriend again, she decided to post an ad. But she didn't want to do it alone, so she convinced me and 3 other girls in the class to do it to. It took about 4 responses to my ad for me to realize that this was NOT one of her better ideas. The vast majority of the people who responded (not just to me, but to all of us) were only looking for sex, and freaky deviant sex at that. If that's your thing, cool, but keep it to yourself. Don't bring it up before you've even met the person you're propostioning, and no, thank you, I don't want a candle stuck there. (that was one of the tamer offers I got)

In amongst the disgusting pervy replies, there were a few that had some potential. One, and I swear I cannot remember his name to save my life, sent me messages that were intelligently written and we actually had some common interests. He was also a student, although a little younger than me. He sent me a picture of himself, taken at an awkward angle, so it was mostly his face, but it wasn't a face that sent me screaming out of the computer lab. (I learned later though that this should have been my first warning flag) After several weeks of emailing, I finally agreed to meet him in real life. *cue ominous music*

Actually, it wasn't that bad. Except for the fact that we lived in different parts of the state. I live in Louisville. He was in a small town near Lexington, about 45-75 minutes away. He didn't want to come to meet me and insisted I come to him. (warning flag number 2, if you're keeping score) Stupidly, I agreed. I did, however, tell several friends WHO I was meeting, WHERE I was supposed to meet him, WHEN I should be home and that if I didn't call them within 24 hours of the date to report me missing and to call my mother.

So I drove to Lexington and found the restuarant with very little trouble. Bud (well, I have to call him SOMETHING) had chosen a Mexican chain called Don Pablo's for lunch. Hey, it was a step up from my usual fast food dates. (my talent for finding cheap jerks is legendary) It didn't occur to me then that it might not have been the best choice for a first date. Now, I hadn't been able to send Bud a picture of myself, but I did give him a fairly honest description of what I look like. (I still don't put many pictures of myself up online- mainly because of my Bell's Palsy now, but I've never liked having my picture taken. In case you've not met me and are wondering, picture the Rock in drag only flabby, not as pretty, and with a bigger chest. That's fairly close)  He was waiting out front when I got there...only I thought maybe he'd brought his little brother and sent him out front to meet me.

Nope. It was Bud. He'd neglected to mention that he was a Hobbit. I don't mind dating guys shorter than me (up to a point), and I don't mind dating heavy guys because it's not like I'm skinny myself. But when you're only 5 ft tall and as big around as you are tall, a little honesty might be a good thing. Then again, in our shallow society, honesty probably got this poor guy rejected a lot. Who knows? "Wow," he said when I walked up and said hello. "You really ARE 6'2!" Um, yeah. Silly me, I actually was honest in my description. (I've since learned that a lot of people, especially those with an interest in sci-fi/fantasy, tend to describe themselves as they wish they were or ther way they imagine their RPG characters to look. Did I mention that I used to be somewhat naive?)

We went in and had lunch and managed to have a fairly lively, entertaining conversation once we both relaxed and he realized I wasn't going to look at him and run away. The problem was that we hadn't made any plans beyond lunch. I just didn't think about it, and he figured I'd blow him off when I saw him in person. There was a Barnes & Noble nearby, so after the third time our server walked my the table and glared at us, we decided to head over there and talk books.

Now, while I wasn't feeling the least bit romantically inclined toward him, I WAS enjoying the conversation, and I can talk books for days. He said he was going to stop by the restroom and he'd meet me at the store. I went to the bookstore and started browsing.

Still browsing, it occurs to me some time later that I haven't seen my "date" since I left the restaurant. I looked at my watch and realized I'd been there for 45 minutes. Well, I'll be dipped. Did *I* just get blown off? I had picked up a couple of books, so I decided to head to the register. I was almost there when I heard my name being called. Here came Bud, gasping for breath. "Sorry to take so long in the bathroom," he said. "Mexican food does that to me."

I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that. I almost would have rather been blown off. We chatted a few more minutes, and I finally made my way back to Louisville.

Bud & I emailed a few more weeks, but he never wanted to make the drive to see me, and I wasn't interested enough to keep driving there to see him. The story more or less ends here...

...Until 1-11-13...

My BFF Laura is a big fan of the Robert Jordan Wheel of Time series. Joseph-Beth in Lexington, one of the few surviving indy bookstores in the area, was hosting a signing with Brandon Sanderson (the estate-approved author who finished the series after Jordan's death) and Jordan's widow. Laura was dying to go, so I agreed to go along for the ride even though I've never had an interest in the series. We had a great day- stopped at a couple of needlework stores, had a great Mexican lunch (I know, I know), and when we got to the bookstore, she waded into the crowd and I went and found a good chair to read & people watch.

Let's just say stereotypes exist for a reason. That night was proof that nearly every one about sci-fi/fantasy lovers was true. The handful of us who weren't there for the event spent our time fending off sundry geeks & nerds who didn't get the "GO AWAY" signals. My favorite was the guy with the wooden sword who posed in front of me. I looked at him, at the sword, rolled my eyes and shook my head NO. He shuffled off, to be swallowed by the crowd, and I went back to my book.

Then it happened...I heard a voice say, "Hey, don't I know you?" I looked up and there was Bud. OH NO. We exchanged hellos and he asked what my line number was for the signing. I'm not proud of what I did next, but in the interest of honesty, here it is: I told him I wasn't there for that myself, but with someone who was. (true) He craned his neck to look at my left hand. No ring, so he asked (in what I think was a hopeful tone) "Oh, are you here with a boyfriend?"

(I'm going to hell for this one) "Nope, here with my wife." The look on his face was priceless. "Yeah, she loves this series & got a good line number, so we should be out of here pretty soon." Just then, Laura texted me that she was through the line already and would meet me by the registers. I made my excuses to a stunned Bud and fled.

Laura just about died laughing when I told her what I'd done. I had to tell her right then- we'd decided to grab a snack in the cafe before we left and there was a chance he might come over to say hello. I would have told her anyway, just not while we were still there. At least she waited to call her husband and tell him about it until we were in the car and on our way home. I think he's STILL laughing.

Bad Date Stories 3- The LAST Blind Date

Despite previous experiences, I let a friend talk me into a date with his coworker a couple of years ago. It was another case of "good match on paper due to mutual interests" with the warning that his social skills needed a little work. C passed my number on to his work buddy and I waited for the call.

A few days later, the guy called. He asked me to meet for lunch becasue he didn't want to spend a lot on dinner in case it didn't work out. Strike one.

I suggested a few places for lunch, none of which was ungodly expensive. (Panera, for example) He countered with White Castle or McDonald's. Strike two.

I firmly told him that if we were going to do burgers, I at least wanted to go to Steak & Shake...and I would pay for my own meal so he wouldn't feel the burn if our 'date' didn't work out. He agreed to that. *eyeroll*

We met for lunch on the agreed day. C, and our friend B (who also worked there), apparently had described me well enough for him to recognize me as I walked in, but failed to mention that I'm, shall we say, statuesque. So I was greeted with, "Are you Mickey? Damn you're a big 'un!" Strike 3.

At least the food was good. (I ordered onion rings- a sure sign to anyone with a brain that you are NOT getting a kiss or anything else) The company left a lot to be desired. He spent most of the meal talking about his ex, ranting about politics (he was VERY conservative. I am not- in fact I was surprised he agreed to go on an interracial date by the way he ranted), and how he shouldn't have to support anyone but himself. I didn't get a word in edgeways, not that I tried too hard.

During a pause for breath, I mentioned that I needed to leave soon as I was due in to work in 20 minutes. (not true, but I needed an excuse and forgot to arrange for the fake emergency call. What? Like you've never done that) Waved the server down for my check- I DID pay for my own meal- and left him there to finish the food he'd barely touched while he was ranting.

C called me a few hours later, laughing. My erstwhile date had called him and said I seemed pretty cool and we'd be going out again soon. "When he told me that he was surprised you'd ordered onion rings on a first date, I knew he'd blown it even if he didn't. Are you really going out with him again?"

Um, no. In fact I was surprised to hear that he thought we would. He did call me later that night and tell me that I seemed like I'd be laid back and not demanding (ok, maybe C & B didn't describe me that well...LOL) or a gold digger (that part was right), so he'd be up for another date. I told him I appreciated the thought, but just didn't feel a connection, so maybe it was better not to see each other any more. "Oh," he said. "In that case, bye!"

And that was that.

Bad Dates 2: The First Blind Date

Shortly after I moved to Kentucky, one of my classmates at culinary school asked if she could set me up with a friend of a friend. Since I was trying to embrace a new phase of my life, I said yes. The first warning sign should have been the fact that all communication was done through my classmate.

Since I wasn't crazy about giving my home address out to a stranger, I offered to meet him at the Books-A-Million cafe. (you think I'd have learned to avoid anything to do with that place and dates) M told me that she'd given him a rough idea of what I looked like and that I had a dominant personality. (remember that) All she told me about him was that he was tall.

So, date day arrived. I got to the cafe early, ordered a drink and settled down at a table to wait. it didn't take long. I heard someone say "oh my lord" and a few snickers, and I knew without turning around that this was going to be my date. Sure enough, this figure walks over and stands at attention beside me. Dressed in head to to black latex. He was tall, I'll give M that much. About 6'5 and weighed about 100 lbs. (not a typo) And he apparently took "dominant personality" to mean something entirely different.

"Hello, mistress!" Gulp. "I've been a bad boy...will you punish me?" *facepalm*

The people sitting around this spectacle were gawking and starting to snicker. I quickly jumped up, told him there had been a mistake, and practically flew out the door. Jumped into my car, burned rubber backing out of that lot at 90 m.p.h., and fled home. Called M, screaming, when I got home. She spent the next 6 weeks apologizing and doing my dishes in class.

Bad Dates- Story 1

Part of the "Why I Am Still Single" series, here is a look at some of the worst dates I have ever been on:


One outstanding memory is from my time working at Books-A-Million, back in NC. We had several  semi-creepy regulars, some of whom kept trying to get dates with the female staff. (And on one memorable occasion, one of the male staff members) Two of them were good matches for me IN THEORY as we had several interests in common. However, they had zero social skills and as superficial as it sounds, were both kind of odd looking. (Like I'm a real prize, but still they just didn't do it for me)

Anyway, one of them, who I shall call Wolfie (as he was on a werewolf kick when we met), came into the store a lot. One of my coworkers, A, warned me about him. She'd given in and gone on a date with him shortly before I started working there and said it was the longest night of her life. So I made a point of keeping our conversations brief, yet friendly, and heading him off at the pass whenever he started veering into "will you go out with me territory?"

We were doing a scanning inventory of the store, which meant going shelf by shelf, scanning barcodes, and pulling out any titles the chain wanted to discontinue. It was my turn to scan and I was on my knees working on a low shelf of art books. (and cursing a blue streak under my breath) Wolfie came in, asked a coworker where I was, and proceeded to come stand over me as I worked, yapping away. I wasn't entirely paying attention to the conversation as I WAS WORKING, so my end mostly consisted of the occasional "uh-huh" and "Sure." Until I heard him say "Great! When should I pick you up?"

WHAAAAAAA? I looked over at the service desk and 3 of my coworkers were doubled over laughing. Apparently one of my absent minded "sures" was in answer to the date question. DAMN.

Since there was no graceful way to get out of it without being an utter cow (I am sometimes a nice-ish person), I decided to bite the bullet and go ahead with it. Also, I knew I was moving to Kentucky in a few weeks weeks, so it's not like there was a chance of any further dates. I flatly refused to give him my address- I told him I'd meet him at the store- but relcutantly gave him my phone number.

When he called later, we discussed ideas and went with the classic first date combo of dinner & a movie. We both liked Chinese, so I said any restaurant but the one where I'd gotten my first (and worst) case of food poisoning would be fine. We were both Godzilla fans, and he wanted to go see that, but I told him I'd already seen it with my brother (true) and didn't like it enough to go again, so we agreed on something else.

Date night came, and I reluctantly went to BAM to meet him. I got there at 6 on the dot. Wolfie was on the payphone as I walked up to the building. He saw me, hung up in mid sentence and snapped "You're late!" Um, we'd agreed on 6. (I found out later that he'd started calling my house at 5:45 and was arguing with my dad about my whereabouts until I got there & he hung up) Not a good sign.

We went to his car, and the first issue came up. We had driven past 2 very good Chinese places and I realized we were heading toward the ONE restaurant I had said I would not eat in. I tried to tactfully make that point, and he said "But it's my favorite place and it's cheap!" Um, oooookay. Sure enough, that's where we went. I had a glass of terrible iced tea and watched him eat. No conversation, just him shoving food into his mouth like he hadn't eaten in a month. Our server came over during one of his 6 trips to the buffet and whispered "Good luck honey, he's a cheap bastard that doesn't tip."

He didn't tip either, despite the fact that he kept our server busy refilling his drink and demanding she go tell the kitchen they needed to add various dishes to the buffet. I surreptitiously left a couple of dollars on the table and he actually picked them up and pocketed them.

Issue number 2 came up in the parking lot. He said "We're going to see Godzilla!" I said no, I'd seen it and would prefer to see almost anything else. "But I had my heart set on that movie!" I suggested that he drop me off back at the bookstore and go see it himself. I mentioned that I'd rather see King Kong Vs Godzilla than the movie in theaters at the moment. He accused me of making the movie up. I told him it was a real movie, and he should look for it at the movie section of Wal-Mart the next time he was there. So he insisted on going to WallyWorld right then to see if I was right. Bought himself a copy, and then he wanted to go back to his place and watch it. "And my roommate's gone, so we'll be alone!" Oh no. Not me, not tonight.

Issue 3- Since I wouldn't go to the movie he wanted to see, and I wouldn't go back to his place, we needed to find something to do. (I was mentally pleading with him to take me back to my car) So off to the local indie record store we went. Just my luck, a former coworker was working there and was on duty when we dropped by. J grabbed my arm and hissed "What are you doing with that freak?" I hissed back that I was on the date from hell and would appreciate any assistance he could offer to get me out of it. We were in that damned store for 4 hours. Wolfie had to look at EVERYTHING. And criticize the music I was looking at. The only reason we left is becasue they were closing.

At that point, I thanked him for an interesting evening and insisted he take me back to my car. He said we should go clubbing since it was too late to go to the movies. I told him I needed to be at work early the next day, so I really needed to go home. (not a lie, actually)

He tried to follow me home- I shook him off in a residential area that was maze-like and hard to get out of unless you knew where you were going. I walked into the house and my dad informed me that if that fool ever called and argued with him again SOMEBODY was going to get their feelings hurt. I told him that I wasn't going out with the fool again and he could feel free to make things up if he was insane enough to call.

Don't you know he called 3 more times that night? 2 in the morning and he calls. (Dad had a great deal of fun with that) Then he showed up at the store when we opened to ask when we were going to go out again. Never, that's when.