Monday, August 27, 2012

Dear Officer/Coworker

Ok, so I'm not perfect and make the odd mistake. I can understand that everyone does from time to time. However, here are a few issues that keep cropping up and you might want to start paying attention so that I don't have to start smacking people:

1. If you have drugs in a small tube, it is a V-I-A-L, not V-I-L-E.

2. The damned pills are called LORTABS. Not loritabs, loratabs, loretabs, luratabs, or any other damned spelling variation you come up with. For pity's sake, at least half the time you have the Rx bottle with the correct spelling and you STILL get it wrong.

3. There is no excuse for spelling the name of the drug incorrectly when the computer fills it in for you. (the most common drugs have codes that we enter and it populates the screen for you) There is no such thing as marawana or herion. They are marijuana and heroin. (also, unless you are giving me a romance novel, you do not have h-e-r-i-o-n-e)

4. Believe it or not, we do know the difference between an I-pod and a cell phone. (and the officer that accused me of mistaking one for the other was very sorry that he dragged his Sgt down to our office to watch him open the envelope to prove me wrong...only to discover that HE was the idiot)

5. If you do not sort your evidence prior to shoving it through the window at us/deposit it yourself/check your property slip before you leave the office, it is not advisable to call screaming hours or days later, and tell us we got something wrong and how stupid we are. We are not going to go out of our way to figure out any mistakes and how they might be corrected after you are a jackass.

6. Your case got thrown out of court because you checked evidence out and brought it back without the original packaging and we documented that fact in the chain of custody? That would be YOUR fault, not OURS. Please see your commanding officer for some remedial training...or be prepared to have a foot broken off in your ass if you get in my face again.

7. If you can't read your own handwriting, what the hell makes you think we can decipher your citation?

8. GET OFF YOUR DAMNED CELL PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION WHILE WE PUT YOUR EVIDENCE IN. See reason #5 if you don't understand why. Not to mention, it's rude.

9. The office supplies that the city pays for are crap and we all know it. If you want nice pens, bring your own. Poaching my pens, that I paid for, will get you hurt. And before you try to tell me that it's really YOUR pen and just looks like mine, I mark my pens, in several places, and can clearly see that it IS mine. (and I'm the only one who regularly uses green or purple ink, with the exception of the thieving ho who keeps stealing my pens) Also, there is a reason my stapler has my name written on it IN PERMANENT MARKER and is hidden in my desk drawer. I paid for a quality stapler for my own use. Buy your own or make do with the cheap ones we get.

10. The candy jar ON TOP of my desk is fair game. I keep a fair supply of various hard candies (& occasionally chocolates) out for others to have because I know we all like a treat from time to time. Complaining that I don't have your favorite candy means it's time to buy your own. Oh, and if you're looking for the personal stash that I keep in my drawer? It's now secured in my locker because I got tired of it being eaten for me. You're not welcome. (I'm diabetic & hypoglycemic, so when my blood sugar crashes, I REALLY need that snack to be there)

I hope this helps. Really. For all our sakes.


  1. I mark my pens, too! I have a thing for pens, and carry many with me. I usually carry some that are expendable - that I can loan to someone and not go crazy if they don't give it back.

  2. And reading back over this I see I made a spelling error. On item 3, the final word should have been H-E-R-O-I-N-E. Oh well, I've admitted to my imperfection.

    LOL, Alice. The pens I don't care about are in a basket ON TOP of my desk for all the world to see and are frquently nicked by officers. My coworkers know the good pens are in my drawer and steal them instead. That may change once I start keeping an old-fashioned snappping mousetrap in there!