thanks again to Google Images!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop- Reginald Bakeley
I read an article online somewhere (and am too lazy to look it up now to tell you exactly where) about an "Odd Title of the Year" contest. This was the winner. (Other titles included such gems as God's Doodle- The life and Times of the Penis and How To Sharpen Pencils)
Here's the Amazon Blurb:
Help is on the way! In the tradition of Lemony Snicket and Roald Dahl, Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop shows how to banish those pesky dark Fairy creatures who are ready to thwart every last pleasure, be it gardening, country hikes, or even getting a good night's sleep.
In this charming guide, "fairy hunter" Reginald Bakeley offers practical instructions to clear your home and garden of these unsettling inhabitants, and banish them from your chicken coop and kitchen cupboard forever!
In Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop readers will discover:
Why a bustle in one's hedgerow may be cause for alarm
Why a garden fumigator may come in handy on evenings at the pub
Why a toy merchant, a butcher, and a Freemason are among your best allies in the fight against the fey
Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop is the only complete manual on how to identify, track, defend, and destroy those bothersome brownies, goblins, dwarves, scheming flower-fairies, and other nasty members of the fairy realm.
My take: It was amusing. I would have liked it better had there been some Lady Cottington-type pressed fairy illustrations to accompany the text, but it was fun nonetheless. I wound up buying on my Kindle because none of the bookstores in my area had it. (I DID get some very weird looks when I asked for it at B&N and Books-a-Million) Amazon was back-ordered on print copies at the time and I decided to go the instant gratification route. I don't know that I would recommend paying full price for it, but it's worth reading if you like twisted fairy tales and that sort of thing.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Thank Goodness That's Over!
Well, Derby Madness is over for another year. The bad weather actually helped lessen the madness this year, but there was still plenty of stupidity out there.
I was taken over to the track at about 10:30 Saturday morning. The first drunk was carried (literally)into the corrections area at 10:45. He threw up, barely missing my evidence box, and was so wasted that they kept having to hold him up. It was decided that he was actually too drunk for the jail to take him, so he was cited and sent to the hospital.
The second drunk was hauled in at 10:57. He was in slightly better shape than the first one, but kept screaming that he needed to go to the bathroom. They took him to one, and then threw him in the cell. I looked over after a minute and he was naked, waving his shorts in the air. The corrections Lt was not amused and sent 3 guys into the cell to get his clothes back on him.
It got quiet again, so the corrections nurse and I played Fashion Victim Bingo while watching the crowd. I will never understand why idiot women wear dresses that are too short & too tight with heels that are too high and think that their clothing choices are impervious to rain. Also amusing were the large number of men in white pants that turned see-through in the rain. Next year, I bet they wear underwear!
It was quiet for an unusually long time. Then the belligerant drunks started rolling in. These are the guys who never know why they've been locked up and want to argue about it. Mr. My Daddy Is Rich was the ringleader and had the entire cell carrying on. He informed us repeatedly that "My dad makes more in a week than you poor assholes make in a year!" I couldn't take it, and after 30 minutes of that I informed him that his father may be rich, but he's the asshole in the cell and I was willing to bet dear old Dad was gonig to be less than thrilled to pay the $ to get him out. This sent his cellmates into hysterics and they spent the rest of the time before they were loaded into the booking van for their trip downtown picking on him.
Then the violent drunks started rolling in. We had two that they literally had to hog-tie. The worse offender of the two was an enraged, drunk, redneck woman. (who turned out to be my neighbor's sister- small world) She managed to throw the table we were using as a counter, despite being handcuffed, and kicked everyone within reach. (luckily not me) Corrections quickly closed the garage door so the public wouldn't view this (our area was right by the main gate) and six of them took her down to the floor. It was special. They had to carry her screaming, face down, hog tied, and still trying to kick everyone, to the booking van.
So, that was my Derby day. Oh, and one of the horses I bet on won! It was a last minute decision to bet on Orb (the horse I wanted to bet was scratched), but it worked out. I only won $25 (small bet), but I won. Now if the horse that was in the lead until close to the end had kept his lead, I would have won $250. Damn it. Happens every time.
My cousins were so amused by my Facebook posts from the track that they want to come to Derby next year. I told them to bring it on!
I was taken over to the track at about 10:30 Saturday morning. The first drunk was carried (literally)into the corrections area at 10:45. He threw up, barely missing my evidence box, and was so wasted that they kept having to hold him up. It was decided that he was actually too drunk for the jail to take him, so he was cited and sent to the hospital.
The second drunk was hauled in at 10:57. He was in slightly better shape than the first one, but kept screaming that he needed to go to the bathroom. They took him to one, and then threw him in the cell. I looked over after a minute and he was naked, waving his shorts in the air. The corrections Lt was not amused and sent 3 guys into the cell to get his clothes back on him.
It got quiet again, so the corrections nurse and I played Fashion Victim Bingo while watching the crowd. I will never understand why idiot women wear dresses that are too short & too tight with heels that are too high and think that their clothing choices are impervious to rain. Also amusing were the large number of men in white pants that turned see-through in the rain. Next year, I bet they wear underwear!
It was quiet for an unusually long time. Then the belligerant drunks started rolling in. These are the guys who never know why they've been locked up and want to argue about it. Mr. My Daddy Is Rich was the ringleader and had the entire cell carrying on. He informed us repeatedly that "My dad makes more in a week than you poor assholes make in a year!" I couldn't take it, and after 30 minutes of that I informed him that his father may be rich, but he's the asshole in the cell and I was willing to bet dear old Dad was gonig to be less than thrilled to pay the $ to get him out. This sent his cellmates into hysterics and they spent the rest of the time before they were loaded into the booking van for their trip downtown picking on him.
Then the violent drunks started rolling in. We had two that they literally had to hog-tie. The worse offender of the two was an enraged, drunk, redneck woman. (who turned out to be my neighbor's sister- small world) She managed to throw the table we were using as a counter, despite being handcuffed, and kicked everyone within reach. (luckily not me) Corrections quickly closed the garage door so the public wouldn't view this (our area was right by the main gate) and six of them took her down to the floor. It was special. They had to carry her screaming, face down, hog tied, and still trying to kick everyone, to the booking van.
So, that was my Derby day. Oh, and one of the horses I bet on won! It was a last minute decision to bet on Orb (the horse I wanted to bet was scratched), but it worked out. I only won $25 (small bet), but I won. Now if the horse that was in the lead until close to the end had kept his lead, I would have won $250. Damn it. Happens every time.
My cousins were so amused by my Facebook posts from the track that they want to come to Derby next year. I told them to bring it on!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
This is NOT an official US holiday, people!
Semi-random thought: Cinco De Mayo is a MEXICAN holiday, so WHY does the US celebrate it?!? Like St Patrick’s Day, we’ve co-opted another country’s celebration as an excuse for people to get stupidly drunk.
Getting off the Soapbox of Sanity now...
Saturday, May 4, 2013
It's Derby Day!
The last day of the season known as "Louisville Loses Its Collective Shit." This is set to post automatically since I'll be out at the track as a mobile clerk. I'll be the one in the corner by the corrections cells, fending off drunks and trying not to laugh as the self-entitled citizens who think they can use our spot as a short-cut get firmly rebuffed and sent to walk the long way around the building. I'll nip out for a bit to place some bets (on horses that probably won't win) and gawk at the fasion victims.
As for my Derby Fashions? I'll dress a little better than I normally would for work, but am not going overboard with a frou-frou hat or any of that nonsense. My one concession is the new necklace I ordered last week:
Couldn't resist it. Y'all know how much I love my Chinese food.
Stories from the track will be posted next week. Heh. Can't wait to see what idiocy goes on this year...
As for my Derby Fashions? I'll dress a little better than I normally would for work, but am not going overboard with a frou-frou hat or any of that nonsense. My one concession is the new necklace I ordered last week:
Couldn't resist it. Y'all know how much I love my Chinese food.
Stories from the track will be posted next week. Heh. Can't wait to see what idiocy goes on this year...
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Serengeti Spy- Anup Shah
Anyone want to guess why I read this? LOL. The lion pictures are my favorite by far, but the shots of other wildlife are equally stunning. One of my non-lion favorites was a herd of elephants gathered around a dried out pond, watching in amusement as a baby elephant gleefully rolled in the dust. Wll worth looking at, and if you want to pick up a copy, Amazon has this $40 book on sale for $16. (as of the time this is written)
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