We send out fairly detailed letters when we have someone's personal property or an item is slated to be released. Despite this, we keep getting the same stupid phone calls asking what the item is. So I've created a simplified version that I think will work, but I can't get authorization to implement it. Don't know why...what do y'all think?
Prospective Property Letter
Dear Suspected Criminal/Possibly Innocent Victim:
Come get your shit.
(description of shit the person may have)
You have 3 months to come get it or we throw it in the trash and you are shit out of luck.
LMPD Property Room
P.S. We don’t care how it got here, why it got here, or about your life story. Don’t call us and flap your yap, just COME GET YOUR SHIT.