Well, at least I made my dad laugh...

Dinner with my parents tonight was less than successful, but I DID make dad laugh twice.
Mom drove, & she has bad habit of tailgating cars @ red lights. I finally told her to put her Damn foot on the fucking brake & leave it there until the light was green AND the car ahead of us was moving. Dad started snickering and said he tells her that all the time. I told her there would be NO sympathy from me if/when she rear ends somebody.

Second laugh came after dinner when Mom asked me what I thought about the experience. "I can't believe I put on pants & a bra for that" was my answer. Dad thought it was so funny that he whipped out his phone & called my crazy uncle to tell him. Uncle John then wanted to know what I usually wear to dinner. "I don't know what to call half what that child wears. It usually looks like her pajamas to me!" My outraged squawk had both old coots laughing.

For the record, I have only gone to their house in pajamas ONCE that I recall, and that was Christmas a few years ago. I had a new pair of pajama pants with Cardinals on them & a fuzzy black PJ top. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to wear them out, but I did.

October/November catch-up post

So, we took Dad down to NC for his birthday at the end of September. I can’t handle many more of these trips. Between my health issues & my insane parents, they’re just too hard on me. We left shortly after I got off work Friday morning & I drove all the way to Burlington. At that point I had been up 27 hours and needed a break, so I let Mom drive. I forgot that she cannot drive and read road signs at the same time, and made the mistake of falling asleep for 20 minutes. That’s all it took for her to take the wrong damn exit in Raleigh (due to road construction) and turn our 16 hour trip into a 20 hour one. We wound up in Little Washington and having to drive back down to Jacksonville because she wouldn’t pull over and let me resume driving.

Anyway, I spent Saturday sick as a dog and mostly asleep. Sunday we went over to see Uncle John & it was decided we should go to the State Seafood Festival in Morehead City. That’s when we learned that Uncle John flatly refuses to ride in a car with Dad anymore. He says it’s because they’re the last 2 Spencer men and there wouldn’t be anyone left if there was a crash. So I had to ride with him (he also wouldn’t let me drive, and yes, his driving is a bit unnerving) while Mom & Dad followed in their car. We got there and the parking situation was dismal. Anywhere that we could find space was still too far away for Dad & Uncle J to walk, so we cruised the strip and then decided to head back for Jacksonville. Uncle John was concerned that we’d lost Mom, so he drove about 10 m.p.h. and created an even bigger traffic jam than there already was until she caught up.

Oh, and we went out to see the Montford Point Marines memorial. It was really nice- I took quite a few pictures on my phone and will post them as soon as I can figure out how to get them onto this device.

We were supposed to leave Jacksonville mid-morning on Monday so that we’d have time to get to the Philly Deli in Wilmington & have lunch with Sandra. We got a late start due to Aunt Myrtle deciding (at the last minute) to go to dialysis. (She also held up the old folks getting together Saturday for the same reason) We wound up following them over to say our goodbyes and THEN she wanted to chat.

We finally got underway to Wilmington, but were way late. Sandra’s car was DOA & Brandon (her son) didn’t want to pick her up from work and bring her over to join us for lunch, so we called in an order for Mom to pick up and take to her while Dad & I stayed at the restaurant so he could visit with everybody. We went ahead and ordered, because she was only supposed to be gone 20 minutes. Our food arrived, along with Brandon (what a surprise) and no sign of Mom. Dad finally insisted I call and find out where she was. She’d started yakking with Sandra and didn’t realize she’d been gone over an hour. So now we were 3 hours off schedule and still had to stop for Dad’s fish. He was so pitiful- “we don’t have to stop for fish if you don’t want to, and I don’t have money for a lot anyway.” Like I was going to take him down there and not let him get a cooler of fish & country meat. (we got his meat Sunday) I had saved money out for his fish, so he didn’t need to worry about that.

Don’t ask me what time we finally got back to Louisville. Or how many times we had to stop on the way back. My father is the king of telling us he needs to stop AS WE’RE PASSING THE DAMNED REST AREAS. I (VERY RELUCTANTLY) had to give up and let Mom drive again, but not until we were well into Kentucky. There are no exits on I-64 for her to take by mistake, so we did finally get to Louisville without too much hassle.

Let’s see, what else? Saw my doctor and he was appalled to discover that my thyroid hormone levels had dropped even more since my last visit. I asked him how bad it was and he paused for a minute before saying that I should probably be catatonic instead of as functional as I was. So that medication got doubled & I go back to see him in January. It does explain why I’m still having fatigue issues though, so that was helpful.

Oh, the little punk that broke into my house got caught breaking into another house. Unfortunately for him, he was caught by LMPD, and even more unfortunately it was AFTER his 18th birthday and by a pair of officers who had backed West Buechel up on the call to my house. So he got a one-way trip downtown to the big-boy jail. Heh. The little bastard got to spend the weekend in jail because his momma couldn’t come up with his bail. My heart just bleeds for him…

Discovered a new snack (that I really shouldn’t be eating) when we went to Costco the other day. Golden Island Korean Barbeque Pork Jerky. It’s good stuff and surprisingly tender for jerky! Dad even liked the sample, although it was still a bit too hard to chew for him.

I may as well tell you this last bit. Had another adventure in medical drama & Mom driving on Friday. We’d gone out for breakfast after I left work. Something I ate decided to disagree with me and I wound up having a hideous acid reflux attack about 20 minutes after I’d gotten home & gone to bed. I’m already on Rx strength Prilosec twice a day for reflux, but decided to try a dose of Alka Seltzer since Prilosec does nothing for immediate relief. It worked for about 10 minutes and then I started vomiting. And then the chest pain started. (relax- I did NOT have a heart attack) Since I knew what those symptoms could be indicative of, I didn’t want to risk driving myself to the ER. I also didn’t want to call an ambulance as I’m still paying off my thyroid surgery. So I stupidly called Mom & said I needed a ride to the ER. I didn’t go into detail because I didn’t want her or Dad to panic.

Now any sane, rational parents would think “hey, the kid that normally has to be dragged kicking and screaming to the doctor just called me for a ride to the ER. We should hurry.” Not my parents. They took their time getting dressed (they’d gone back to bed after breakfast), diddling around, and finally showed up at my house almost an hour later. Good thing I wasn’t bleeding to death. Then Mom wanted to take the surface roads instead of the Interstate because “I’m not comfortable on that exit with this kind of traffic.” I was trying to stay calm in case it WAS a heart attack, but that sent me screaming over the edge.

Anyway, after an hour of being poked & prodded, they determined that it WAS just an acid reflux attack. The chest pain was caused by a hole in my esophagus that allowed acid to leak into my windpipe and down to my lungs. So I was pumped full of antacids & antibiotics (and a GI cocktail- lidocaine & milk of magnesia- that was seriously foul tasting, but blessedly killed the pain after about 5 minutes) and sent home. I’m now on Rx strength Pepcid along with the Prilosec, and a couple of other things that I don’t recall off the top of my head.

So that's my current life. We've spent the evening watching the election results at work & I think life with President Oompa Loompa is going to exceed the limits of my medication. Tried to check the Canadian immigration website & it had crashed. I'm still seriously considering leaving. We'll see what happens.

This week's odds & bobs

So I forgot to mention 3 of my favorite birthday presents last week.

1. I got a new slow cooker! I've been struggling with my finances (again/still) and making a concentrated effort to cook/eat at home instead of the fast food habit I'd fallen back into. I'm pleased to say it's been working AND I've lost another 5 lbs. Having the slow cooker & crock pot helps a lot with that. I throw something together in one of them when I get home from work, go to bed, and have a nice meal ready when I wake up later!

2. These sheets. Forgive the unmade bed, note the Loki pillow, with the normal Tom Hiddleston pillow peeping out in the background. 😉

Yes, they're a sort of tiedyed fireworks pattern. Made out of super soft jersey material.

3. I didn't feel like unmaking the bed to get a picture of the best gift. My parents got me the memory gel mattress pad that I'd been wanting. OMG, that thing is like sleeping on a cloud! I never like to wake up and get out of bed as it is and that thing makes me want to LIVE in my bed permanently.

So that's those. Next we have a shot of my IKEA shower curtain (I spent part of Labor Day scrubbing my bathroom & putting it up) and the pillowcase I'd bought there. (also went to the Joann's Fabric Labor Day sale and scored the pillow form dirt cheap!)

Last, but not least, my cross stitch projects. I've done a bit more on the cat (it might not look like it, but trust me, I did a good bit) and started Sweetheart Tree's Teenie Tweenie La Fleur on a random evenweave mini in Carrie's Ltd Edition silk Not Slate.

I've taken another break from Facebook, and it helped me realize that I was spending WAY too much time on it. I've gotten back into my stitching, been reading more again (that was the first sign that something needed to change- I was barely reading and that's just NOT me), and will probably blog a bit more frequently.

Ta ta for now!

What I did on my vacation

As usual, finances & health issues conspired against me for my vacation this year. At least I got to spend 2 weeks away from the snake pit office!

I spent a lot of my time sleeping, reading, and binge watching Luther using my mother's OnDemand service. If you haven't seen Luther, you really should. It's a great British detective series, starring the devilishly sexy Idris Elba, and it is twisted and wonderful.

The last weekend, I decided to go up to Cincinnati. My parents chose to join me. Amazingly, it wasn't our usual road-trip disaster! First stop was IKEA. I've been wanting to go for years, and now I can cross that off my Bucket List. It wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The place is huge, and we walked our feet off. Well, Mom & I did. Dad opted for a wheelchair. (He's getting increasingly frail and it breaks my heart) The furniture is all neat looking, and I picked up a small end table kit for $8. Hey, it was all I could afford, and besides, we didn't have room in the car for a whole lot of stuff! We ate lunch in their cafeteria. THAT was good. Mom had their specialty- Swedish meatballs with potatoes and lingonberry sauce. Daddy had a plate of ribs that he'd devoured and sucked the bones clean before I could get a picture of them, and I had the salmon you see pictured below. It came with a delicious lemon-dill sauce, 2 spinach-potato cakes, and a piece of garlic bread. I also tried their chocolate cake, which was to die for! Mom was kind enough to let me include her lingonberry drink and the candy bar she bought in the picture of my lunch.

Besides the table, which I have yet to assemble & photograph, I picked up some things in the housewares section as you see. The cross stitched looking thing is a cushion cover. (need to buy a cushion to fill it) The striped package is a new shower curtain. Being a candle junkie, I couldn't resist the tea light lantern. Then there's cookies (raspberry & chocolate filled), a can of sparkling apple cider, and a tea infuser that Mom bought for me. And one ginormous shopping bag!

I had hoped to get to Keepsakes, the cross stitch shop, while we were up there, but it didn't happen, yet again. They close at 4. We left IKEA at 3:30. So we went to Jungle Jim's instead!

Daddy was thrilled- They have the motorized scooters for disabled shoppers, so he got to do his best Mario Andretti performance and took off. Mom stuck with me for a while before wandering off on her own, and I was left to shop in peace. Sort of. You know my thing about hating crowds? Kicked in big time. Every aisle I tried to browse suddenly filled up as soon as I got to it. I finally got to my Grail- the British food section!- only to find it half empty of product and completely filled with rabid assholes. The MAIN thing I wanted was dark chocolate covered Hobnobs, and they didn't have them. (Going to have to hit up some of my British penpals for those! Bexy owes me for the Oreos I sent her. *grin* )

Anyway, I picked up some odds & ends throughout the store, and we got checked out and made the drive home with very little trouble. The 3 best things I bought were an eclair from the bakery, 4 garlic dill pickles from the deli (HUGE!), and a can of Tiki Cat Ahi Tuna & Mackerel for Nightshade. The way she wolfed it down and licked her bowl clean tells me that I need to try to find that somewhere around here or online for her!

The Great Spencer Family Reunion

So, we were supposed to leave for NC after I got off work on the 2nd, but my parents forgot and scheduled lab work for Dad on the morning of the 3rd. So we planned to leave at 8 a.m. instead. Needless to say it was 9:30 before we actually got underway. Partly because nobody could get up & moving, and partly because I had to totally unpack & repack the damn trunk in order to get my stuff in. (We took their car)

The drive wasn't too awful to start. Traffic was tolerable, the roads were fairly clear, and we didn't hit much construction. The first hiccup came when we were entering Winston-Salem NC. Mom was driving. The exit we have to take to get to I-40 is an ugly, sharp curve with about a 6 ft merge lane and even *I* mumble prayers on it. Mom, for some reason, gunned the engine as we were getting to the sharpest point on the curve and forgot to turn the wheels, so we nearly went careening into the guard rail. Daddy squawked about it for the next 30 miles.

Second hiccup came as we got on Hwy 264 to head toward the swamp. At that point, we were racing Hurricane Arthur to the upper NC coast. I was driving into heavy sporadic bursts of rain that were totally blinding. We got to Washington (where I was going to be staying)at about 11. The sky fell apart right after we got into our rooms and I was quite grateful to be off the road. We had a couple of brief power failures, but nothing too horrible.

Next morning: Loaded the parents & some extra supplies we were asked to bring into the car and headed to Englehard. Google maps said to look for State Road X on the directions to Cousin Josephine's house. What they/we didn't know is that it has since been given a street name. My father very (un)helpfully told me that I should have turned AFTER I passed it. Sigh. We finally got there, taking a ridiculously long way around. Jo was very happy to see us and horrified that I was going to be driving back & forth to Washington every day we were there while my parents stayed with her. (it was only 90 minutes each way, LOL) I promised her I'd be fine. Her power, as most of the town's, had been knocked out by the storm. She had a generator running, so there was a/c. We had to go buy more gas for it, and get another cousin to get it running again. I could have figured it out, but Jo was insistent that "one of those useless boys" should do it for her.

We got Uncle John on the phone, only to find out that he & Cousin Henderson weren't going to arrive until Saturday. So we sang Happy Birthday to him and tried to figure out where we were going to store the sheet cake we'd ordered so the frosting wouldn't melt.

My sisters Angie & Audrey arrived with their husbands. Like me, they were staying in Washington & commuting all weekend. We sat around chatting for hours while Jo called every relative she had a number for to tell them we were there. (Quick note- Jo is about 3-5 years younger than Dad, but is his niece. It amused me to hear this elder woman call him Uncle Leonard all weekend. They were pretty much raised as siblings) The utility company got the power restored at 4 (to everyone's relief) and we found out that the local seafood restaurant that everyone loved was going to be open at 5:30, so plans were made to go there for dinner.

I have to say, the food was pretty good. I tried their fried flounder (yum!) and fried okra (even better!) and had a hush-puppy eating contest with my BIL J.R. (I won) The siblings headed back to town, while I drove the old folks back to Jo's. They made me promise not to stay too long as everyone was nervous about me driving through the swamp by myself after dark. I don't know why- even *I* know not to speed in unfamiliar territory with steep curves and flooded canals on each side of the highway, especially in a racist-run county on a holiday speed-trap weekend. I had to promise to text/call everyone when I got back to the hotel.

Decided to go to Wal-Mart when I got back to Washington, but I duly texted everyone to let them know I'd arrived safely. Wandered around for longer than I intended, so it was about 10 when I pulled into the hotel parking lot. My sibs were out in the parking lot watching the fireworks and waiting for me to get there. They'd all left their phones in their rooms, so they hadn't seen my message. Roy told me that they'd just been debating on whether or not they should go look for me. We watched the end of the fireworks and decided to call it a night.

Saturday- The festivities weren't supposed to start until 3, so I had told everyone not to expect me much before that. So, of course I got a zillion phone calls wanting to know if I was ok, if I was lost, and when I'd be arriving.

Let me tell you something about my dad's family. There are a LOT of them. Dad is the 2nd youngest of 23 kids. (only 4 are still with us) Most of them produced a large number of children, who followed the same route. There were about 150 people there Saturday and that wasn't even 1/3 of the family. Amusingly enough, to me anyway, out of all those people, there was still nobody that really looked like me. Saw lots of dopplegangers of my sibs and their kids, though! We managed to get most everyone herded over to the tent that had been set up for the cook-out and had a presentation of birthday acknowledgements for Uncle John and some cousins who'd had birthdays recently, and then they had this pastor get up to deliver a sermon/prayer.

Yeah, I'm still a heathen. And this guy was a holy roller, hell-fire & brimstone preacher. Mom swatted me for giggling several times throughout the service. At one point, he went on for 10 minutes about how all problems could be solved by "putting the blood (of Christ) on them." I bit my lip until it bled, but kept quiet until he said to tell your boss-man that "you're going to put the blood on him so he won't bring you down!" All I could think of was what the expression on my boss' face would be and how quickly he'd have me served with a mental inquest warrant if I said that in our office and I lost it. Luckily I buried my face in my hands to stifle the giggles, so all anyone saw was my shoulders shaking and feet tapping, so they all assumed I was "caught up in the spirit" and nobody was offended. When I regained my composure, I looked around and you could tell which cousins weren't exactly comfortable with that type of ministry because they were all shifting restlessly in their spots. The final straw was when the pastor began pointedly preaching about how God created MAN and WOMAN and they should remain as God created them. Kind of brassy when you realized (as many of us did over the course of the weekend) that the cousin who had spearheaded the reunion and booked this clown was Transgender. Not cool. What happened to letting God be the only judge?

Anyway, he finally put a sock in it and we got to eat. The food wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't awful. We had to all but drag Uncle John over to cut his birthday cake. He was determined not to be the center of attention and cousins Niesha, Charvella, & I were equally determined that he was. One of the sweetest moments, and I'm still kicking myself for not getting a picture of it, was when the oldest Spencer male presented the first piece of cake to the youngest Spencer boy present. Little Damarion, age 1, had no idea why we were all cheering and clapping, but he was happy to scarf down that cake!

I didn't stay for the dance that was scheduled later. I was developing a sick headache and wanted to go back to the hotel to try to sleep it off.

We were supposed to leave right after they went to church Sunday morning. I was tasked with picking up the fried chicken order for the fellowship dinner and delivering it before collecting my parents for the trip home. We didn't get back on the road until almost 4, much to my dismay. I'll spare my reader/s the details of the drive home except to say that my mother still apparently can't drive and read road signs, my father is still a pain in the butt about wrong turns and getting in/out of the car in a timely fashion, and I got a damned speeding ticket in VA. (GRRR) Oh, and we didn't get to my house until 6 a.m. Monday.

As a result of the travel stress, my CFS has flared up big time; my face has broken out; and my knees/back ache like hell. But it made Daddy & Uncle John very happy that we went, so that makes it worth all the aggravation.

Next year's reunion is tentatively scheduled for August. I'm not going. I swore that if I traveled anywhere next year, it would be to England, and I'm not giving it up for anybody!

Oy Vey

So, we're leaving for NC. At the same time a tropical storm is supposed to wash ashore. Can't reach the cousin who planned the reunion to find out if there is a contingency plan and my insane parents think we should go anyway. I'm going, but I refuse to be happy about it.

Post-Vacation Odds & Ends

So, I'd planned to spend Wednesday after Chad & Mel left sleeping in. Then I remembered that I had an appointment with Dr B on Thursday and hadn't had my blood drawn for labs yet. I called his office to see if I could reschedule and then next appointment wasn't until July. I knew he'd kill me if I waited that long, so I told the girl to leave me where I was on the schedule and made myself get up and go to the lab. He prefers to have labs done a week ahead of my visits, but I prefer not getting stuck by needles and at least I went.


Then I wanted to go home and go to bed, but I hadn't eaten for 24 hours (always have to do fasting labs), so I stopped at Panera for a snack. Harriet had called me and let me know my monthly pattern was in at the Needle Nest, and since it had been a while since I'd been over there, I decided I might as well go then. Stopped at Starbucks for more me-fuel, and hit the road. Spent way too much money as usual, but had a good time doing it. I may go to the stitch retreat she's organized in September. I wasn't going to at first, since it's the weekend of Dad's birthday, but we're not traveling for it this year, so I may go ahead.

The reason we're not traveling for Dad's birthday this year is because we're going to the Spencer Family reunion/Uncle John's birthday in July instead. Uncle J will be 87 this year and he told Mom that he didn't care if any of the others made it down, he wanted ME there. I don't know if I'll be able to get the Friday off that I need since we're short-handed in the office again, but I'm going to do my best. Worst case- I work and then drive straight down afterward.

But I digress-

Kept my appointment with Dr B on Thursday. He was thrilled with me. I'm down 15 lbs again, my blood pressure was down, my blood sugar was down, I'd actually checked my blood pressure at least once since my last visit and could tell him what it had been (117 over 75), and I promised I was going to the eye doctor on Friday. I really was planning to- Mom had cleared her schedule to drive me if they needed to dilate my eyes. I can drive after dilation, but my vision gets blurry and I'd prefer not to. Anyway, I don't have to see him for 6 months now. We still haven't figured out what to do about the fatigue and he vetoed my request for an antihistamine pump.

After my visit with him, I dropped by the eye doctor clinic since it was right across the street, to see if they could schedule me for Friday. (They're normally a walk-in place) I explained that I needed the specialty diabetic eye exam and the receptionist said "Well, we can take you right now if you'd like. There's nobody waiting at the moment and 2 doctors are free." Might as well do it, right? So I did.

The good news is that the diabetic exam doesn't require dilation. The better news is that my eyes are very healthy, although I am totally blind without glasses. The doctor asked me if I was sure I was diabetic because the state of my optic nerves didn't indicate it at all. (Dr B is going to love that) Then we did the rest of the tests and I was handed the delightful news that I have graduated to bifocals. Yay. I kind of knew it was coming since I find myself looking over my glasses more often than not when I have to read small print.

Then we got to my favorite part of the eye doctor- picking out new glasses! Of course they didn't have the same frames I already had in stock, which is a shame because I love these. (yes, these- will explain in a minute) I finally found a pair of purple metal frames with sort of squoval (squared oval) lenses that I liked. Then I picked a pair of silvery framed sunglasses- real sunglasses this time, not just regular glasses with dark lenses like my last pair. The total, after my insurance discounts, was $750. GULP. Now I remember why I go so long between eye doctor visits. Luckily I had signed up for the flexible spending card when we did insurance last year, and Dr B had changed me to some less expensive meds, so I was able to pay for them.

However, I'm still in my old glasses at the time of this writing because my new Rx was so jacked up that they had to special order both pairs of lenses and it will take nearly 2 weeks for them to come in. Yeah, I'm special like that.

Friday rolls around and I get a call from my mom that Dad is going to the hospital AGAIN. It seems he'd been suffering tummy troubles all week and didn't mention it until late Thursday night. Dr B had worked him into the Friday schedule, freaked when Dad told him what he'd been experiencing (won't go into detail- you're welcome) and immediately ordered his admittance. Then he said, and I quote, "What it is with your family?!? I finally get one of you functioning correctly and another one breaks!" (No HIPAA violations here- he has permission to share our records with each other)

We spent most of the weekend dancing attendance on the old coot. Mom & I did go get Chinese for dinner on Saturday, and we had another batch of Pigs in the Blanket for Mother's Day dinner. I bought her a copy of Book Lover's Scrabble, so we're looking forward to playing that the next time I'm over.

Sadly, my vacation ended, so it was back to work. Blah. I really need to win the lottery so I can live the life I'd like to become accustomed to...

What I Do When I'm Not Attempting To Blog

1. Spend way more time at my job than I would like to. Yes, I get paid OT for it, but that gets old after a while and taxes eat more of it than it's worth. We've been short 2 clerks in my office for a year now and it's beginning to wear us all out.

2. Eat junk that I shouldn't. Discovered Bacon Jerky - yes, you read that correctly- at World Market last week and have had to remind myself that it's too expensive and too bad for me to buy/eat regularly.

3. Spend money like a drunken sailor on shore leave. Working on cutting that down too. Hit the DMC sale at Joann Fabrics last week and now have enough floss to stitch a battleship. Also hit sales at B&N, Target, World Market...you get the idea.

4. Play video games on my phone. I should NEVER have upgraded to a smartphone. My 3 current addicitons are Bejewled Blitz, Candy Crush, and Angry Birds Star Wars.

5. Spend time with my parents. I took my dad to an Ohio Valley Wrestling TV taping while I was on vacation and it was hysterically awful. The highlight of the evening was the wrestler in the full length pink bunny suit...don't ask. At least one of the announcers is a Monty Python fan, because he lost it when I screamed "Activate Vorpal Bunny Powers!" Mom & I spent a day at the pool and got totally sunburnt.

6. Sing songs to my cats. Yes, I'm special.

7. Attempt to do things around the house. Something else from my vacation- I hung the London print that I got for my birthday. Then I decided that my bathroom needed work, so I put in a new shower caddy tower, a new curtain rod, and a new etagere. The rest of the house is still a wreck, but my bathroom looks nice!

8. READ! I have a ton of books that I would like to post reviews for...someday. Will work on that too!

9. Listen to music- my current new favorite is Five Finger Death Punch. One officer friend borrowed my car the other day and came back shaking his head. He'd looked at the cd's in the car. In addition to the 5FDP, I had the latest Buddy Guy, a Kelly CLarkson, Rick Springfield, Halestorm, and Barry Manilow. "You are a strange woman...you know that, right?" Well, DUH.

10. Watch dvd's if I'm not reading or stitching. I just got the first season of Elementary in the mail today, so i'm looking forward to settling down with it. I may not get to watch it until next week since I'm working all weekend, but I'm looking forward to it all the same.

More later...

Odds and Ends

Late post. At least there IS one this Monday...

Anyway, I seem to have hit a patch of writer's block, so here are some random reflections from my weekend:

1. Had lunch with my parents at Carabba's on Saturday. My father ordered a weird seafood canneloni dish that he didn't like instead of the shrimp fettucine we all knew he would, just to prove a point. No idea what that point was, but there you go. Mom had chicken fettucine and I had the steak marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and it was awesome. However, the best thing we ate was the caramelized onion and bacon flatbread! That's going on the list of favorites.

2. Went to Trader Joe's and, as usual, the parking lot and store were both a zoo. I grabbed the few things I needed for the mexican meal Mom & I planned for Sunday and tried to get out of dodge before I lost my mind. Got to the registers and they all had long lines. Several family groups were there, including one idiot woman who clearly believes in the free-range children version of parenting. Her children were doing some whirling dervish spinning/dancing, throwing things at each other, and being genrall obnoxious while she smiled beatifically at them. The cashier said something to her in a low tone and she said "They're free spirits!" Fine, ask them to be free spirits over there (pointed at the door) becasue they're in everyone's way over here. She huffily called them back to her side. About the time I made it through my line and tried to get to the door, the older child had once again left mom's side and was spinning in the middle of the exit aisle. I stopped and the brat crashed into me. Before I could do/say anything, Mom snarls at me. "You need to watch out for my child!" I favored her with my best evil, someone's-about-to-die smile and the cashier hissed, "No, your child needs to watch out for her!" The child was yanked back to her side in a hurry.

3. I attempted to leave the Trader Joe's lot and get to Whole Foods. 35 minutes later, I'd made it 20 feet. So what do I do next? I didn't stop at WF, I did something even more idiotic- went to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon. The geniuses at the Walmart by my house had filled that main aisles with displays that barely left room for one person with a cart to get by in either direction. they also decided that 5 p.m. Saturday was a perfect time to drag pallets out of the storerooms and leave them in random aisles so people couldn't duck down them instead of trailing along behind groups blocking the main aisles. Naturally, I got stuck behind Shamu's sister who was waddling along in 5 inch heels (yeah, those help with the mobility problems that go with obesity), leaning on her cart while munching on a bucket of (unpaid for) fried chicken from the deli and hollering for "Junior" to go get her some Doritos and Cheez Whiz (not making this up) while yacking on her cell phone. There were 10 people backed up behind me when I finally snapped and started screaming. One man whispered "Follow that lady!" to his wife. "We might actually get out of here sometime today."

4. Sunday stupidity was self-inflicted. I decided it was time to color my hair again. Have actually been meaning to do it for weeks, but decided yesterday was the day. Warm Reddish Brown is the color I was supposed to get. Warm Reddish Brown, my big fat ass. My hair is the color of burnt plum sauce. Or, as my mother said, "well....it's kind of purpley in the right light."

5. Dinner was excellent! We made Sausage & Potato and Spicy Fish Tacos. Topped with Creamy Cabbage & Corn Slaw or Citrusy Radish Slaw. I got to zing my mother with one of her classic lines regarding the fish tacos. "How Do You KNOW You Don't Like Them If You've Never Tried Them?!?" She tried one and allowed as they weren't bad, but she preferred the sausage.


So that was my weekend.

Oh, and today's moment of stupidity? Came from the officer who looked at me and said "Is your hair supposed to be that color?" I asked him about his limp. "What limp?" This one...and I kicked the crap out of his shin. (Relax, it was a friend and I was reasonably sure I wan't going to be charged with assault)

My Father, the Gigolo

I don't know what it is about the males in my family that causes the women of the world to find them totally irresistable.  Men of all ages in the family often have to beat women off with a stick. For example:

1. My sister Sandra called us once in hysterics when her son was 6 years old. Some "fast little girl" in his class was calling him on the phone and waiting for him outside the school and kept inviting over to her house to play. (for the record, the knucklehead is now 26 and still getting calls from girls, only the games they want to play aren't quite as innocent)

2. Uncle John & Cousin Henderson came to visit us when I was 14 or so. (that would have put them in their mid 50's- early 60's) They spent a few hours entertaining us with their adventures, and then were heading out to a bowling tournament. As they were leaving our apartment, 2 20-something bimbos were heading up the stairs to see our next door neighbor. "Well, HELLO there!" says Henderson. "Party's going this way, girls!" added Uncle John. Damned if those little bimbos didn't start wiggling/giggling and follow those old goats out of the building. Mom sent me after them to say that she was calling their wives if they didn't send those twits back upstairs, PRONTO.

3. My brother, Neanderthal Idiot, has been married 5 times and has 6 children (that we know of) with 5 different women. Only 1 baby momma was ever married to him.

4. The girls at our favorite Chinese restaurant think Daddy is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. They fuss and fawn over him, have been known to make special dishes for him when he just picks at food from the buffet, and god forbid we go there without him because they ignore our table if we do.

5. The little old ladies at the parental church of choice love Daddy too. They constantly invite him to gatherings and parties. Mom is usually added onto invitations, clearly as an afterthought. I had to go to one dinner with them and explain that I would cut an old bitch if she didn't quit trying to seduce my father.

6. Baby girls love Daddy too. If there's a baby/toddler within eyeshot, she will zero in on my dad and started cooing & giggling. We had one wiggle out of her booster seat and try to follow us out of the Chinese restaurant once. Daddy picked her up and took her back to her momma, and then they both flirted with him.

7. The most recent bimbo attack was the Friday before the Super Bowl. The grocery store that my parents shop in most often has a $tarbuck$ in it. Mom offered to buy Dad a tall blonde roast coffee and leave him in a chair there while she did the shopping. (Dad doesn't like strong coffee, so theirs isn't normally his favorite, but he does like the new lighter roast) He said no, he'd get it at the end of the trip- I think he wanted to stay with her in the hopes of hurrying her up. They filled the cart and were heading up to the checkout when Mom said this leggy, half-dressed blonde stopped Dad and asked him where the peanut butter was. (About 2 feet past him and VERY visible) She went on, thinking Dad was behind her, checked out, and walked over to Starbucks. Suddenly realizing that Dad wasn't there, she frowned. The cashier asked if she needed help with something, and without missing a beat, Mom said "I told my husband I'd get him a tall blonde, but I guess he decided to go with the one he picked up in the jelly aisle." The cashier about wet himself laughing. Dad showed up a few minutes later, looking sheepish, and claimed he'd gone to look at magazines after helping Blondie find the peanut butter.

SNAFU Christmas

Well, we had what is becoming our traditional family christmas. Last year, on Xmas Eve, my father began having a series of horrific nosebleeds that necessitated several frantic trips to the ER. Poor Dad wound up spending Christmas with the equivalent of a super tampon shoved up his nose.

It looked like things were going to be calm this year. My psycho coworker had tried to screw me by putting in for vacation time for the entire week, with the result that our boss got mad and gave her Christmas Eve & today off, gave me Christmas off, and we both work tomorrow. Frankly it wouldn't have bothered me if she had tomorrow off too, but I'll take what I can get.

Then I got home after my shift on Christmas Eve...walked in the door with a bag of assorted junk and an armful of mail...and proceeded to trip over a cat, several shoes, and a roll of giftwrap. I wasn't smart enough to let go of the stuff I was holding and try to catch myself on anything, so I would up doing this really odd crash on my knees (bad knee first) followed my smacking my chest on the edge of the couch and my face on a book on the couch, all while twisting my back in some demented effort to stay upright. The thud as I hit the floor literally rattled the whole house, and any neighbors who didn't hear that surely must have heard my standard cry of dismay in falling situations. "SHIT!"

Both cats took off for parts unknown as I hit bottom. I've warned them repeatedly that if they kill me by tripping me, Gramma's going to send them to the pound. I stayed in my awkward position for a few minutes while I reassured myself that I wasn't dead and nothing appeared to be broken. Truthfully, I was afraid to move at first becasue my back was sending distinct "not happy" signals, but I slowly & carefully hauled myself upright. The first thing I noticed was Greymalkin peeking around the bathroom door at me. He mewed softly as if to say "Oh Thank Goodness- I thought we'd really killed you and we haven't been fed yet!"

Let me back up and explain the shoe thing- Nightshade has taken to viewing my shoelaces as a plaything. She drags every pair of lace-up shoes I own over to the front door (her favorite play spot) and does acrobatics trying to pull the laces out of all of them. It's funny as heck to watch, but a pain in the butt when I have to put them away again. And a pain in several other places when I trip over them.

I texted Mom & BFF's Laura and Drew to tell them about my latest mishap. Drew is a nurse and called immediately and told me to haul myself to the ER. I told him I was pretty sure there wasn't any major harm done except to my pride and promised I would call Mom for a ride to the ER if the pain got worse or I started feeling dizzy. Made the same promise to Laura, via text.

Did I mention that since I had been a lazy lump all weekend, I hadn't done any of the baking I was supposed to do for our Christmas dinner? I had promised a trifle for dessert for Mom & myself, and a yellow cake with chocolate icing & black walnuts for Dad. So I had cakes to bake, custard to make, and fruit to deal with. I cheated and used extra creamy Cool Whip for the trifle's whipped cream and tried the new Cool Whip Chocolate Frosting for dad's cake. The frosting is actually fairly good, but has a mild chocolate flavor instead of the rich fudge Dad prefers.

So I stayed up until 4 a.m. limping around my kitchen and working on dessert prep. Mixed up way too much cake batter and had to bake the layers in batches. The custard cooked up fairly quickly, but I stupidly put the double batch in one bowl so it took forever to cool. Then I tried to get cute with the bag of mixed frozen berries that I'd bought and cooked them with some sugar & a splash of brandy. I was aiming for a mock-jelly, but didn't quite get there.

By the time I went to bed, every part of my body was screaming in pain. I took my last painkiller and slept until 3 p.m. Christmas Day. We were originally planning to have dinner at 5, so I frantically called Mom and begged for an extension. Luckily they'd had a late lunch, so that worked out. I threw the trifle together, frosted Dad's cake, and started wrapping presents. (yeah, hadn't done that yet either) I was still stiff and sore, but was able to hobble around.

Dinner was excellent, the desserts turned out well, and we were all happy with our presents. I talked to Uncle John, who was home from the physical rehab center on a day pass, and he was in good spirits. The new computer my mom has let me get online to play games, so it was a nice evening.

Today- still hobbling. I have a nice assortment of bruises on my legs and chest. Part of my pain is the arthritits in my knee & back flaring up due to the lovely rain/sleet/snow we're experiencing right now. But I successfully avoided the ER, and hope to continue to do so!

BTW- my favorite present came courtesy of my dad. We watch MeTv together every Sunday night and they always run a commerical for a product called Strutz. The commerical features this goofy animated critter- we think it's a kangaroo- hopping about singing a weird little song before they get to the 'user testimonials.'
picture courtesy Amazon.com

I had jokingly told my parents I wanted some for my birthday and professed to be quite disappointed when I didn't get them. So I told Dad that he'd better get me some for Christmas, and the old stinker did it! I'm wearing them here at work today (yes, I'm blogging from work- it's dead tonight) and they are surprisingly comfortable and make walking a bit less painful.

Because sometimes it's not all about you...

When I was in high school, our student council would take donations and adopt families via the Salvation Army for the holidays. Because the money was coming from students, it meant lots of loose change and I got quite adept at rolling the stuff. (a skill that still comes in handy) The SU advisor would tally up our collection and work with the SA to get as many families as we could provide a happy holiday for as possible. I always enjoyed working on that project, and my senior year was head of the fundraising committee. We raised enough for 25 families (a school record that still stands!) and it took 3 days of shopping and 3 days to make the deliveries.

I lost the habit of helping others after high school. Well, sort of lost. I would always stop and throw a few items in the canned food collection at the grocery store when I came across one, and I always dig into my pocket for donations to the Salvation Army bell ringers.

One year, working at Books-A-Million, I begged and pleaded with my coworkers to chip in and adopt a child from the Salvation Army. It took the addition of a prize of the homemade goodie of the winner's choice to get them to donate, but we collected $75 and I threw in $50 of my own and we got a teenage girl most of her wishlist. Our district manager won the raffle (I had no shame and hit up everyone for donations- got him on a random visit) and gave his prize to the bell ringer stationed at our store. (chocolate chip cookies if I remember correctly...)

After moving to Louisville, the independent bookstore where I worked collected books for various children's charities for the holidays. Well, of course I'm going to buy books for kids. EVERYONE should have books that wants them is one of my personal mottoes. And I continued to support food drives.

Then I started working for LMPD. The first year, I suggested to my coworkers that we adopt a child or do some other civic minded project. Louisville had lots of Hurricane Katrina refugees, so we contacted one of the shelters and adopted a displaced mother & son. My coworkers were all for the idea until it came time to contribute, and then it was like pulling teeth. It took pleading and a collection jar on the counter for the officers to help out, and even then my colleague J & I wound up putting in more of our own money than originally intended. But it was worth every dime and bit of stress to be able to fulfill their "needs" list and throw in quite a few "wants" as well. (Turns out that J & I were both power bargain shoppers)

After that experience, I decided not to bother with my coworkers any more. I try to adopt at least one kid a year, usually an older child because they often get overlooked. I still give to food drives, book drives, and for the last few years adopted a senior citizen from the giving tree at Wal-mart in honor of my late Gramma. Last year, instead of presents for my ingrate coworkers, I donated the money I would have spent on them to the food bank and to the First Reads program and plan to do it again this year.

This year, the department sent out an email from one of the children's home asking for help giving their kids a happy holiday. My parents & I had planned to do one anyway, so I requested one. Then, in a moment of insanity unbridled enthusiasm, I requested one for the office. I sent out a plea for donations, but expected to cover most of it myself. Much to my surprise, I got an overwhelmingly (for this place) positive response. Even better, I got actual cash from half my coworkers and the management! 

Mom went shopping with me and we had a blast. We bought tons of clothing and gift items for both of the 'angels' and still had money left. So, with the blessing of the home & my fellow donators, I bought an assortment of random clothing & gifts for the home to distribute as needed. We even had enough to throw in some gift wrapping supplies!

Reading back over this, it sounds like I'm blowing my own horn. That's not how I intended this piece to sound. I wanted to show that even in these days of excess, there are people out there who don't have it as good as most of us. Even the smallest donation can make an impact on someone's life. It's not about having the newest and flashiest gadgets, designer clothes, and biggest house. It's not about how cool you appear to be, because if you can't take a few minutes or spare a few dollars to help someone else, you're not that cool. We just helped make a 13 year old girl and a 12 year old boy feel like they're important enough for someone to care about them. They don't know who my coworkers, parents, & I are. They don't need to, because it's not about us. It's about THEM.

And you know what? That makes ME feel pretty darn good...

Things I Hate About Winter

1. My office maintains an average temp of 50 below and it is not an uncommon sight to see us in parkas & fingerless gloves while we try to handle evidence.

2. The homeless people who get arrested so that they'll have somewhere warm to sleep. I don't begrudge them getting shelter, however misguidedly, but I hate that Corrections won't take their bags so that WE are forced to deal with the (often stinky) mess. And the cranky people that then have to hike 4-5 miles to our office to reclaim their stuff.

3. The cold weather plays hell with my arthritic knees & back.

4. The nasty slushy mess that makes driving in Louisville an even more hazardous task after the first snowfall starts to melt.

5. Every stray cat in the neighborhood comes to roost under my house, often mating under my bedroom floor. Glad they're warm and somewhat safe, wish they weren't homeless to begin with.

6. My little black cat loses her mind and races around the house, often shrieking madly, until I snap and threaten to kill her.

7. My father gets VERY grumpy about the cold weather, making my mother crazy, in turn making me even crazier.

8. Listening to holiday music ad nauseum EVERYWHERE I go.

9. The office holiday party.  Almost nobody ever really wants one, but there's always some gung-ho idiot who just HAS to organzize one. I put my foot down last year- no presents for the jackholes I work with, no special treats, and since I'm not participating, I'm not cleaning it up. Expect a repeat performance this year.

10. The politically correct police who insist  "We should say Happy Holidays so that everyone will feel included!" and those who argue that "Christ is the reason for the season" and "You cain't take Christ out of Christmas!" Here's my take on the issue- SHUT UP, celebrate the way you are comfortable, and don't force your views on the rest of the world. If someone gives you a holiday greeting that's different from your view, just smile, thank them, and be grateful that anyone is speaking to your sorry ass in the first place.

I want a new life. Really.

Last week, we found out that my uncle was in the hospital after a series of strokes. We dropped everything and went as soon as we could, so here is a look at seriously edited "highlights" of the latest road trip with my parents:

The overcast day turned into full fledged biblical proportion rainfall about the time we hit West Virginia. Then it turned into a massive hail storm as we went through Charleston. Ever driven on an interstate in a hail storm? I don't recommend it.

The last stretch of the trip down to Jacksonville- following our directions, we got off I-40 onto Back Road X and drove 15 or so miles before being routed onto another stretch. My mother cheerfully piped up “Oh, this must be the new highway they were working on!” Having been watching the signs, I dourly informed her that we’d just done a 15 mile side trip to be dumped back onto I-40 approximately 3 miles from where we left it in the first place.


We found our hotel and my father went straight into the room and claimed the bed closest to the TV…leaving US to unload the car. He did finally get up and grudgingly hold the room door open so we could lug in all the bags. As usual, my parents packed more luggage than the circus. They claimed every bit of storage space in the room except the little drawer that held the Gideon bible and yellow pages. I spent the weekend getting dressed out of my suitcase, which I had to haul up and down off the top of the wardrobe cabinet.

Tommy agreed to check the house and collect the mail for me since I forgot to ask a neighbor to do it. He then spent the weekend sending me texts about the stray cat in my yard (Are you sure it’s not yours? She keeps acting like I should feed her) and telling me that my neighbors came out to gawk every time he pulled up to the house.

My parents kept fighting for the larger share of the bed and blankets. Daddy finally said to Mom, “Why don’t you go sleep with your daughter?” (mind you, I was all of 3 feet away from them) Mom said “Are you crazy? Look at her!” Apparently I was stretched diagonally across the bed and spinning like a top. Daddy said later that I tossed and turned so much he thought I looked like an old fashioned egg beater. All I can say is thank heaven for my ear plugs & sleep mask. Somebody would have died without them.

Sunday, I took my dad to the Piggly Wiggly to look for his favorite country bacon & sausage. Some old church lady was there giving him the evil eye and glaring at me. I finally got tired of it, so I said “hey Dad, I’m going to look at the coffee aisle.” Turns out she thought he was a lecherous old coot and I was his younger bit of fluff. When I got back, she was flirting with him and told me how cute my daddy was. I said “my mom thinks so” and dragged ‘cutie pie’ off.

Aunt Myrt & their pastor tried to play matchmaker for me, telling me about some ‘boy’ in their congregation that I should get to know. Uncle John lifted his head and yelled “That boy is 46 years old, never kept a job, and still lives with his momma! Baby girl can do WAY better than that!”



I think there were a few more moments worth sharing, but I’m going blank right now. Anyway, Uncle John is holding on. We wanted to stay longer, but I had to come back to work, and he didn't want us to see him like that. Then, on the way out of town, my sister called to say her husband had suffered another heart attack. We detoured to Wilmington to see them, and then made the long drive home. I got home at about 4 this morning. I fell asleep around 8. Had to be at work at 2:30, so you can imagine my delight when the alarm went off....