Odds and Ends

Late post. At least there IS one this Monday...

Anyway, I seem to have hit a patch of writer's block, so here are some random reflections from my weekend:

1. Had lunch with my parents at Carabba's on Saturday. My father ordered a weird seafood canneloni dish that he didn't like instead of the shrimp fettucine we all knew he would, just to prove a point. No idea what that point was, but there you go. Mom had chicken fettucine and I had the steak marsala with garlic mashed potatoes and it was awesome. However, the best thing we ate was the caramelized onion and bacon flatbread! That's going on the list of favorites.

2. Went to Trader Joe's and, as usual, the parking lot and store were both a zoo. I grabbed the few things I needed for the mexican meal Mom & I planned for Sunday and tried to get out of dodge before I lost my mind. Got to the registers and they all had long lines. Several family groups were there, including one idiot woman who clearly believes in the free-range children version of parenting. Her children were doing some whirling dervish spinning/dancing, throwing things at each other, and being genrall obnoxious while she smiled beatifically at them. The cashier said something to her in a low tone and she said "They're free spirits!" Fine, ask them to be free spirits over there (pointed at the door) becasue they're in everyone's way over here. She huffily called them back to her side. About the time I made it through my line and tried to get to the door, the older child had once again left mom's side and was spinning in the middle of the exit aisle. I stopped and the brat crashed into me. Before I could do/say anything, Mom snarls at me. "You need to watch out for my child!" I favored her with my best evil, someone's-about-to-die smile and the cashier hissed, "No, your child needs to watch out for her!" The child was yanked back to her side in a hurry.

3. I attempted to leave the Trader Joe's lot and get to Whole Foods. 35 minutes later, I'd made it 20 feet. So what do I do next? I didn't stop at WF, I did something even more idiotic- went to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon. The geniuses at the Walmart by my house had filled that main aisles with displays that barely left room for one person with a cart to get by in either direction. they also decided that 5 p.m. Saturday was a perfect time to drag pallets out of the storerooms and leave them in random aisles so people couldn't duck down them instead of trailing along behind groups blocking the main aisles. Naturally, I got stuck behind Shamu's sister who was waddling along in 5 inch heels (yeah, those help with the mobility problems that go with obesity), leaning on her cart while munching on a bucket of (unpaid for) fried chicken from the deli and hollering for "Junior" to go get her some Doritos and Cheez Whiz (not making this up) while yacking on her cell phone. There were 10 people backed up behind me when I finally snapped and started screaming. One man whispered "Follow that lady!" to his wife. "We might actually get out of here sometime today."

4. Sunday stupidity was self-inflicted. I decided it was time to color my hair again. Have actually been meaning to do it for weeks, but decided yesterday was the day. Warm Reddish Brown is the color I was supposed to get. Warm Reddish Brown, my big fat ass. My hair is the color of burnt plum sauce. Or, as my mother said, "well....it's kind of purpley in the right light."

5. Dinner was excellent! We made Sausage & Potato and Spicy Fish Tacos. Topped with Creamy Cabbage & Corn Slaw or Citrusy Radish Slaw. I got to zing my mother with one of her classic lines regarding the fish tacos. "How Do You KNOW You Don't Like Them If You've Never Tried Them?!?" She tried one and allowed as they weren't bad, but she preferred the sausage.


So that was my weekend.

Oh, and today's moment of stupidity? Came from the officer who looked at me and said "Is your hair supposed to be that color?" I asked him about his limp. "What limp?" This one...and I kicked the crap out of his shin. (Relax, it was a friend and I was reasonably sure I wan't going to be charged with assault)

It's Hug An Australian Day!

Yes, it's real... and I'm very lucky in that one of our resident department hunks just happens to be the man formerly known as Outback Jack on an early Bachelor-style show. (I also have him on speed dial) So here's a look at my sweet friend Vadim, aka the Aussie I got to hug today:

 from the TV show  his official department photo

And, just because I couldn't resist, here's a look at another Aussie I have been lucky enough to hug on several occasions:


 80's Rick  more recent Rick


And last, but by no means least, one I would love to get my hands on:

 mmmm, Hugh

Cirque du Soleil- Worlds Away

I love Cirque du Soleil. I've seen several of the live shows and own several more DVD performances. I picked this one up at the library and was a bit disheartened to see that James "Egomaniac" Cameron was involved in it. Luckily, the performances made up for a lot. It seemed kind of disjointed at first, and then I caught on to what I was seeing. They filmed sections of the various shows that are currently running in Vegas and turned it into a movie. I enjoyed the bits from "O", which I have seen. There were some scenes from Ka & Mystere, which I want to see. Then they went into Viva Elvis & The Beatles tribute show and I almost turned the damned thing off because I loathe the Beatles. (this came about after being forced to listen to them ad nauseam at the bookstore  for 5 years) But I stuck it out and was rewarded with an aerial ballet at the end that made the whole thing worth it. For the record, the aerial ballets are my favorite part of any Cirque show.

Adventures in Daddy Sitting

OMG. Took the old man out to lunch yesterday. Told my father I’d be there at 1230 to pick him up for lunch. I walked in the door at 1230 on the dot and he looks at me. “Family Feud just started.” I don’t care- I told you what time I was picking you up. let’s go. “But I like Steve Harvey.” So do I, but I’ve got to go to work today, so let’s move it.




Finally got him in the car. Get to Golden Corral and it’s Old Fart Jubilee. It was almost 1 by the time we got there and that’s when the senior discount starts, so every old person in town was standing in the doorway, waiting. We almost got run down in the parking lot by 3 different old ladies with oxygen tanks. I finally pushed my way through the crowd, dragging Dad behind me, and then the cashier wanted to argue with us. “I’m trying to save you money- the discount starts in 5 minutes.” Yeah, well I appreciate that, but I have to go to work sometime today and the $2 off isn’t worth waiting behind a bunch of crusties.



The food was decent for a change, at least. Dad got a giggle out of the fact that Sister Bertha-better-than-you and Sister Mary-minds-everyone’s-business-but-her-own were at the table next to us and starting talking loudly about old fools with young tramps. I finally turned around and said to them “You know, I agree. It’s funny though that people think I’m one of those types every time I take my dad here out to lunch. I mean, I always thought I looked enough like him that it was pretty clear he’s my actual daddy, not a sugar daddy.” They shut up in a hurry, the old man at the next table over started howling with laughter. “You tell them, honey!”

It's National Haiku Day!

Nightshade and Malkin

Furry, purry little pests

I love them so much.

The books that I own

Are all over my small house...

Reader's paradise!

I'm VERY hungry.

Mongolian Bacon? YUM!

Will you bring me some?

Crap! Time to go work.

Officers and Criminals...

Where are my happy pills?

Once More With Feeling

Here we go again. We have a new crop of rookie officers that have just been turned loose on the street. They actually aren't the problem- it's some of the officers who have been on long enough to know better that inspired this round of the Dear Officer files.

Dear Officer:

1. What part of DO NOT SHOVE LOOSE NEEDLES UNDER THE WINDOW do you not understand?!? THERE IS A FREAKING SIGN IN THE WINDOW IN BOLD CAPS THAT SAYS TO ASK FOR A SAFETY TUBE IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. And if I get stuck by a needle that you were too stupid to contain, BOTH of us will be going to the hospital.

2. Our office develops a wind tunnel effect when the temperature shifts drastically. This has not changed in the last 7 years. If you notice that the wind blows every time someone opens the damned door, or we tell you to hold onto your papers/evidence, HOLD ONTO YOUR SHIT. Especially if it's an unwrapped needle as mentioned above.

3. We know it's hot in our office. It's not necessary or clever to point it out to us. 

4. We know the office reeks of marijuana thanks to our lame ventilation system. It's not necessary or clever to point THAT out to us either.

5. We know that everyone has different tastes, different work habits, and we relate to different people in different ways. Some officers prefer one clerk to another. THIS is fine. Telling the clerk who is waiting on your dumb ass that you think her coworker is the best clerk and you wish she was there instead is NOT fine and WILL get your shit handed back to you with a request that you come back when THAT clerk is working. 

6. Yes, you need to fill out a currency seizure form AND a forfeiture form if the money you are turning in is drug related. NO, WE WILL NOT FILL IT OUT FOR YOU.

7. Do not get an attitude with us if we tell you to stop flapping your yap and pay attention. We need information to do our job. If you don't bring in a citation, or don't bring in a legible citation, we need you to be able to answer some questions. This can't happen if you're talking on your cell phone or shooting the shit with whoever is waiting in line after you. 

8. Don't get an attitude with us if you don't follow rule 7 and something isn't entered the way you wanted it. If you'd paid attention, it might have been.

9. While most of the people we come into contact with are less than upstanding citizens, we still have to try to deal with them nicely. If we get the guy YOU pissed off and gave the runaround and he tells us that you claim WE screwed up, we are more than happy to look up the identity of your commanding officer and suggest he call them to correct the issue. If something that should have been personal property got put in as evidence because you were too busy fucking around to follow rule 7, that is YOUR problem, not ours. And we will happily tell the citizen that. You had the chance to tell us that at the beginning of our transaction with you, and in the case of the gun I had to deal with last week, you also should have noticed that when you were handed the envelope to seal and sign. Sometimes we make mistakes and most of us will admit.apologize, but if you try to throw us under the bus, we will drag you along with us.

10. If there is only one clerk working and you come in while they're entering a search warrant for another officer, be prepared to wait. Do not keep asking how much longer this is going to take. You can always leave and come back. If you choose to wait, do not sit out there and complain to other people that we're slow.

There's a great deal more, but that's enough bile for one post.

Random thoughts

1. Listening to a commercial for some ambulance chaser and heard this gem: "Have you or a loved one experienced heart failure or died during kidney dialysis? You may be entitled to compensation." Um, if I'm dead, how do I claim the compensation?

2. Volunteered at the animal shelter Sunday. I had a really good time and have signed up for the orientation to make it a regular gig. The hardest part will be trying not to take all the animals home with me. Like the adorable black kitten, Tipsy, I met today. Luckily, she's already found a potential forever home- just waiting for the background check to come back. (the shelter requires proof of vaccination if you have other pets before they let you adopt a new one) My other favorite critter was the bunny- Hoptimus Prime. 

3. Weighed in and am back down to 326 lbs. I can't take much credit for the weight loss- my sinuses have been draining for a week and I've been too nauseous to eat much.

4. Finally got to turn my heater off for a few days! Even better- I got to open the windows and air the house out. Nightshade was thrilled to claim her spot in the front window.

5. My new smart phone may have been a mistake. There are so many free games to download that it isn't funny. Just what I needed- another way to waste time.

That's about it for today. I've been too sick with sinus issues to do anything entertaining or think of anything clever to post.