First "Dear Officer" post of the year!

Not that I haven't had plenty of fodder for one sooner than this, but I'm doing batches of disposals again and coming across the same stupid spelling errors. I realize that our officers have a LOT of stuff that they're supposed to try to remember, but basic spelling should NOT be a problem. Also, some of my coworkers may be to blame, but we'll just blame the kids in blue for now.


Dear Officer,


Let's play a spelling game!

Steroids come in:

A. a vial
b. a vile
c. a veil
d. a viel

You inject them with:

A. a needle
b. a neddle
c. a needel
d. a neidle

Those lovely little pills that are often abused but are supposed to tranquilize your mood are called:

A. Xanax
b. zanax
c. zanix
d. xannix

Security camera footage is also known as:

A. surveillance
b. survailance
c. survellance
d. surveylance


That illicitly traded pain killer is called:

A. Lortab
b. loratab
c. loritab
d. luratab

Another word for money is:

A. Currency
b. curenncy
c. cureincy
d. currincy


If you answered anything other than A to any of these questions, please report to the nearest elementary school for Basic Spelling classes. Thank you.

Did that just happen?!?

So I'm at work and my boys BB & DH wandered in with their evidence. (Initials being used to protect the guilty/save my hide)  While I was entering their first case, D asked if we had any of the small baggies we use for narcotics. I passed some out to him and started on the second case.

While that was going on, BB was asking about what our schedules were like in this office. I explained how that worked, and he joked that he might have to put in an application for one of the vacant spots to help pay his child support. This boy is cute as a button, but still hasn't learned where babies come from, cuz he has a lot of them. So D & I started teasing him about that, and then he spotted the baggies I'd given D.

"Hey!" he squawked. "I need some of those too!" I told him I'd get him some when I was done with their case.

"But I want some now...c'mon, you know you want to give me some babies. I'll give you anything you want if you give me some babies!"

*crickets*

Then he realized what he'd just said.

And when we saw the the look on his face, D & I exploded into hysterical laughter.

I suspect it may be a few days before he wanders in again...

Once More With Feeling

Here we go again. We have a new crop of rookie officers that have just been turned loose on the street. They actually aren't the problem- it's some of the officers who have been on long enough to know better that inspired this round of the Dear Officer files.

Dear Officer:

1. What part of DO NOT SHOVE LOOSE NEEDLES UNDER THE WINDOW do you not understand?!? THERE IS A FREAKING SIGN IN THE WINDOW IN BOLD CAPS THAT SAYS TO ASK FOR A SAFETY TUBE IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. And if I get stuck by a needle that you were too stupid to contain, BOTH of us will be going to the hospital.

2. Our office develops a wind tunnel effect when the temperature shifts drastically. This has not changed in the last 7 years. If you notice that the wind blows every time someone opens the damned door, or we tell you to hold onto your papers/evidence, HOLD ONTO YOUR SHIT. Especially if it's an unwrapped needle as mentioned above.

3. We know it's hot in our office. It's not necessary or clever to point it out to us. 

4. We know the office reeks of marijuana thanks to our lame ventilation system. It's not necessary or clever to point THAT out to us either.

5. We know that everyone has different tastes, different work habits, and we relate to different people in different ways. Some officers prefer one clerk to another. THIS is fine. Telling the clerk who is waiting on your dumb ass that you think her coworker is the best clerk and you wish she was there instead is NOT fine and WILL get your shit handed back to you with a request that you come back when THAT clerk is working. 

6. Yes, you need to fill out a currency seizure form AND a forfeiture form if the money you are turning in is drug related. NO, WE WILL NOT FILL IT OUT FOR YOU.

7. Do not get an attitude with us if we tell you to stop flapping your yap and pay attention. We need information to do our job. If you don't bring in a citation, or don't bring in a legible citation, we need you to be able to answer some questions. This can't happen if you're talking on your cell phone or shooting the shit with whoever is waiting in line after you. 

8. Don't get an attitude with us if you don't follow rule 7 and something isn't entered the way you wanted it. If you'd paid attention, it might have been.

9. While most of the people we come into contact with are less than upstanding citizens, we still have to try to deal with them nicely. If we get the guy YOU pissed off and gave the runaround and he tells us that you claim WE screwed up, we are more than happy to look up the identity of your commanding officer and suggest he call them to correct the issue. If something that should have been personal property got put in as evidence because you were too busy fucking around to follow rule 7, that is YOUR problem, not ours. And we will happily tell the citizen that. You had the chance to tell us that at the beginning of our transaction with you, and in the case of the gun I had to deal with last week, you also should have noticed that when you were handed the envelope to seal and sign. Sometimes we make mistakes and most of us will admit.apologize, but if you try to throw us under the bus, we will drag you along with us.

10. If there is only one clerk working and you come in while they're entering a search warrant for another officer, be prepared to wait. Do not keep asking how much longer this is going to take. You can always leave and come back. If you choose to wait, do not sit out there and complain to other people that we're slow.

There's a great deal more, but that's enough bile for one post.

Not a Good Day- follow up to Odds & Ends

Managed to drag my butt out of bed early and met mom at Peking Bistro for lunch. I have been thinking about that Mongolian Bacon & the meat/vegetable buns for months now and was finally going to get them. Wrong. They’ve discontinued the buns (but they’re still on the menu) and they were out of the meat for the other dish. Seriously?!? Settled for Mongolian Beef instead, but it wasn’t what I wanted.




The drive back across town took forever because there are snow flurries and everyone was acting like they’d never seen them before. I got to Starbucks at 2:10 and it was 2:22 before I got my drink. Luckily it was the one close to the office.



Got to work and the lot was full and it took me 5 minutes to get around the building to my usual spot because people parked like idiots again. As I’m pulling in, a police car coming from the other direction at full speed almost hit me. We got out of our cars at the same time and he started yelling at me about how I couldn’t park there because that spot is a loading dock. I said it used to be, but that door is now the back of the elevator shaft & doesn’t get used. The sign is still there, but it’s rusty and hanging by one nail. I park there every day. He said he didn’t care if I usually parked there, he was telling me I couldn’t park there now. I said fine, but kept going to the building as I was almost late. He followed me and said “Are you going to leave your car there?” I told him I needed to go in and let my boss know I was there. (didn’t mention that I was going to have my boss go tell him to leave me alone) He said “fine, but if it’s still there when I come back out, I’m giving you a ticket.” Then he pushes past me to get into the building first, walks into the officer room and tries to pull the door shut on me when I reached for it. I let him shut it and then badged in and walked in behind him. Claudia was in the lobby and said to him “Um, she actually works here, so you didn’t need to do that.”



I walked in past him and went to get my Sgt & Lt. I told them about his threats and they went out to deal with him. Well, he ran out the door after Claudia told him I worked here, leaving his rookie that he’d come down with standing there with his mouth hanging open. They caught up with him in the parking lot, told him that I park there and have parked there 4-6 days a week for the last 6 years and they’re fine with it. He then told them that I got nasty and swore at him and that’s why he threatened to give me a ticket. So then they had to come in and yell at me- they did admit that they think he just said it because he knew he was busted for being an ass, but they had to act on it since he DID say it. I wish I’d thought to point out that HE was parked in front of a sign that clearly said NO PARKING.

And they let these idiots have guns why??? -or- Why I Should NEVER Sign Up To Work Overtime

It snowed here last night. This produced the usual panic in the streets and the grocery store shelves were instantly denuded of bread & milk. (We got maybe 1-2 inches, so clearly NOBODY was going to be able to get out to the stores *eyeroll*) It also had the added benefit of making it a slow night for me as even the criminals freak out and stay in when it snows.

Since there's still snow on the ground (but not the streets), I was kind of hoping for another slow day at the office for the OT shift I stupidly signed up for. It probably will be slow for the rest of the night, but I just had a trio of chuckleheads come in and send my blood pressure through the roof.

Chucklehead 1 comes in with 2 cell phones that he says are evidence, and some personal property for the same suspect. No problem. Knock that out, wish him a good afternoon. He tells me that he's waiting for his partners, Chuckleheads 2 & 3. OH NO. Chucklehead 2 is the same idiot from an earlier post who tried to tell me I'd mistaken a cell phone for an MP3 player and dragged his Sgt down here to yell at me, only to get chewed out himself when it was revealed that I HAD done my job correctly and he was a moron.

2 & 3 show up. C2 proceeds to tell me how everything I just put in for C1 was wrong & I need to fix it. 1 phone should have gone in as personal property, the other should have been evidence under another suspect. C1 & 3 take one look at my now murderous expression and back away, slowly, while C2 keeps flapping his yap. I open the door, grab C1, hand him a release form and tell him to fill it out for the phone they're giving back. This is the easiest way to fix things since it's already in the system. Otherwise I'd have to request a deletion from IT (which usually takes days) and re-enter both phones on new slips.

I asked C2, who was still telling me how I should have done things, to give me the name for the person whose phones is being kept as evidence. He told me it was "hers" and started talking about something else. WHO IS SHE? is what I needed to know. "The girl that was with the guy." Give me a name & address or I'm going to just kill you now and be done with it. Finally manage to get that and then he proceeds to tell me again how the other phone should be personal property of the original suspect. We're done with that, idiot. Shut Up.

Now they've got more evidence to put in on the same suspects. Chucklehead 2 tells me that I need to put both their names on it. We have been using this stupid, inefficient computer system for 5 years. It does not allow us to put more than one name on a property record, and we have this conversation EVERY FREAKING TIME this asshat comes in. I proceed to ignore him and ask C3 which name they want put on the record. He opts for the male suspect.

Among the evidence being put in is money....which is short from what is on the log sheet.  Since I tend to be bad at numbers due to my dyslexia, I count everything twice before I tell someone there's an error. (if I get the same number twice I call myself lucky) I tell them this and they tell me to count again. I count it again and it's still off by $30. C2 tells me I have mistaken a $20 for the lone $10 bill that should be there. I point out that there is no $10 bill in the stack. C3 tells 2 to shut up and go check the car...and is ignored, so he goes and looks for himself. Sure enough, it's out there. He brings it in, everything adds up, I finish my entries, package the stuff, give them their printouts and try to send them on their merry way before I totally lose it.

Chucklehead 2 isn't finished yet. (1 has fled to the car, recognizing the signs of my impending explosion) "You didn't put both suspects on the sheet."

KABOOM

I called that fool everything but a child of God. Chucklehead 3 quickly grabbed the envelopes with the drugs & money, threw them in the drop and frog-marched C2 out the door...only to come back a second later and sheepishly tell me he'd thrown them both in the same drop and could I please let the bosses know so they can fix it on Monday? (They go in separate drops- my bosses deal with the money, but only the narcotics techs can get into the drug drop) Am I surprised? No.

The Property Room 12 Days of Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas, the police brought to me:


A protester chained to a tree

On the 2nd day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

2 search warrants & a protester chained to a tree

On the 3rd day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

3 crack pipes, 2 search warrants, and a protester chained to a tree

On the 4th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

4 broken tasers, 3 crack pipes, 2 search warrants, and a protester chained to a tree.

On the 5th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

FIVE DEFACED GUNS,

4 broken tasers, 3 crack pipes, 2 search warrants, and a protester chained to a tree.

On the 6th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree.


On the 7th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:
7 copper pipes, 6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree.

On the 8th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

8 keys of cocaine, 7 copper pipes, 6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree.

On the 9th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

9 giant weed plants, 8 keys of cocaine, 7 copper pipes, 6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree.

On the 10th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

10 grow operations, 9 giant weed plants, 8 keys of cocaine, 7 copper pipes, 6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree

On the 11th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

11 drug lord’s cell phones, 10 grow operations, 9 giant weed plants, 8 keys of cocaine, 7 copper pipes, 6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree.



On the 12th day of Christmas, the police brought to me:

12 bags of pills, 11 drug lord’s cell phones, 10 grow operations, 9 giant weed plants, 8 keys of cocaine, 7 copper pipes, 6 meth heads tweaking, FIVE DEFACED GUNS, 4 broken tasers, 3 search warrants, 2 crack pipes and a protester chained to a tree.



Some liberties were taken with regards as to what we do/do not take here, but all in all, I'm pretty pleased with this. I expect they'll be singing it around the department for years to come. Heh.

Nerd Cred- I Haz It!

Well, I just impressed a Sgt with my nerd credentials. LOL. I was putting in his evidence and we found a pair of dice mixed in with the drug paraphernalia. So I listed them as 6 sided dice. When I handed him the receipt at the end, he looked it over and started laughing. “Well, of course they’re 6 sided. All dice are.”



I looked him straight in the eye and said “You never played Dungeons & Dragons as a kid, did you?” Then I pulled up Google Images to show him the myriad types of gaming dice there are. His eyes got big and he shook his head.



“Just when I think I know you, you go and throw something new at me. Damn, girl.”

Wait until I tell him about my sword...

 If I was still gaming, I'd love a set of these steampunk dice.  

This is sort of what my default set looked like.    This is a fair idea of what my dice bag looked like when spilled across the table. Only most of mine were purple & black. Surprised?

Thanks again to Google Images for the pictures.

Stand by for my next meltdown

3 officers from the Stupid Squad just paid us a visit. Why it took 3 of them to bring in the evidence is beyond me, but I just work here.


I asked Officer 1 what he was putting in. He launched into a convoluted story about how it was obtained from a traffic stop that led to a search warrant and some of it went with one report number and some went on something else, and......STOP THERE.

I told him to separate out whatever went on the first report number. All that went on it was 1 bag of weed. Fine. Do you have the report number? "Yes" *crickets chirp* Would you like to tell me what it is or should I attempt to pull it out of your skull via telepathy? He finally managed to give me a number which of course did not bring anything up. We can force it in when that happens, but the officer will have to tell us where they made the stop so we can enter it. I asked where he got it and he looked confused for a minute before responding, brightly, "Dispatch gave me the number!"

Cue my coworkers howling with laughter. No, dummy, where did you seize the evidence? "Ohhhhhh. It was 12 something Wit-something Rd." Well, let me just punch that in and see if it validates...NOT. One of the other stooges managed to come up with the actual address. Got that knocked out, and asked for the information to enter the rest of the stuff they'd dragged in.

"That goes on a separate report number." I understand that, and I'm ready for the next number. "It's a different number." I GET THAT, NOW GIVE ME THE NEXT NUMBER. "It's got a different suspect too."



I finally get the new number and new suspect from Officer 2. He is beginning to suspect that I'm slightly peeved. Got the case entered, but because they have grow equipment, and because there are generators that I can't lift with my bad back, I now have to take 2 of the 3 stooges down to the basement with me. 2 & 3 are elected to 'help' me.

Note- Officer 3 has been keeping quietly out of the way. He remembers the royal ass-chewing he got a few weeks ago when he called down here screaming that we made a mistake on something his partner (Officer 2, in fact) put in and wisely decided not to push his luck. (For the record, it turned out that we did not make a mistake and his Sgt made him apologize for being an ass) However, his luck ran out when we were ready to go downstairs. 2 & I are at the back of the cart. He is standing in front of the door. I said, "We're going out the door to the lobby elevator." He just stood there. I repeated myself. He continued to just stand there, blankly.

I had to squeeze between the cart and the door, push him out of the way and open the door. "Oh, you meant now?"



I warned my colleagues to call dispatch and report a double murder in the basement if I wasn't back upstairs in 10 minutes. I walked back into the office and they cheerfully announced I'd been gone for 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Yes, they actually timed it.

The final straw? There was a box of assorted paraphernalia among their evidence. It didn't need to go downstairs. I took it to the back and put it on a shelf slightly above my head...which is when I discovered that the Idiot Brigade hadn't dumped the water out of a bong before taping the box shut.



I smell just lovely now, so I won't be stopping at the grocery store on my way home. The last time this happened (and it happens at least twice a year, sadly) and I did that, I was followed around Kroger by a loudly sniffing member of store security.

I love my job. Really.

Freaking out the librarians

Most of the regular staff at my library branch know that I work for the police. On the weekends, the library is usually staffed by part timers and/or people from other branches. Sunday was one of those occasions.




I noticed 2 squad cars out front when I pulled up to get my books yesterday. Went inside and didn’t see anyone, so I didn’t think anything else of it. I needed to use a computer, so I went upstairs, headed for the first free one I saw, and didn’t pay attention to anything else until it was time for me to check out.



As I walked up to the circulation desk, I heard a voice behind me. “Let me know if this one gives you any problems. She’s a known trouble maker.”



I grinned, recognizing the voice. “Push off, pig!”



The kid working at the desk looked ready to faint. Officer E & I continued to banter for a minute before we realized that he thought the cop was serious & I was smarting off to him. E finally explained that we work together and he was just giving me grief. You could see the clerk visibly relax at that point.



E told me that they were there because someone reported an internet predator was there. They got the guy, and the detectives were upstairs examining the computer the scum had been using. “We all saw you come in.” Somehow I missed 4 uniformed officers and 3 detectives (all of whom I know VERY well) because I was so focused on getting online and getting done. Ooops. Although I wouldn’t have gone over and said anything if they were clearly working on something- I know better than to do that. But it apparently gave them all a good laugh that I was so oblivious.

Dear Officer/Coworker

Ok, so I'm not perfect and make the odd mistake. I can understand that everyone does from time to time. However, here are a few issues that keep cropping up and you might want to start paying attention so that I don't have to start smacking people:

1. If you have drugs in a small tube, it is a V-I-A-L, not V-I-L-E.

2. The damned pills are called LORTABS. Not loritabs, loratabs, loretabs, luratabs, or any other damned spelling variation you come up with. For pity's sake, at least half the time you have the Rx bottle with the correct spelling and you STILL get it wrong.

3. There is no excuse for spelling the name of the drug incorrectly when the computer fills it in for you. (the most common drugs have codes that we enter and it populates the screen for you) There is no such thing as marawana or herion. They are marijuana and heroin. (also, unless you are giving me a romance novel, you do not have h-e-r-i-o-n-e)

4. Believe it or not, we do know the difference between an I-pod and a cell phone. (and the officer that accused me of mistaking one for the other was very sorry that he dragged his Sgt down to our office to watch him open the envelope to prove me wrong...only to discover that HE was the idiot)

5. If you do not sort your evidence prior to shoving it through the window at us/deposit it yourself/check your property slip before you leave the office, it is not advisable to call screaming hours or days later, and tell us we got something wrong and how stupid we are. We are not going to go out of our way to figure out any mistakes and how they might be corrected after you are a jackass.

6. Your case got thrown out of court because you checked evidence out and brought it back without the original packaging and we documented that fact in the chain of custody? That would be YOUR fault, not OURS. Please see your commanding officer for some remedial training...or be prepared to have a foot broken off in your ass if you get in my face again.

7. If you can't read your own handwriting, what the hell makes you think we can decipher your citation?

8. GET OFF YOUR DAMNED CELL PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION WHILE WE PUT YOUR EVIDENCE IN. See reason #5 if you don't understand why. Not to mention, it's rude.

9. The office supplies that the city pays for are crap and we all know it. If you want nice pens, bring your own. Poaching my pens, that I paid for, will get you hurt. And before you try to tell me that it's really YOUR pen and just looks like mine, I mark my pens, in several places, and can clearly see that it IS mine. (and I'm the only one who regularly uses green or purple ink, with the exception of the thieving ho who keeps stealing my pens) Also, there is a reason my stapler has my name written on it IN PERMANENT MARKER and is hidden in my desk drawer. I paid for a quality stapler for my own use. Buy your own or make do with the cheap ones we get.

10. The candy jar ON TOP of my desk is fair game. I keep a fair supply of various hard candies (& occasionally chocolates) out for others to have because I know we all like a treat from time to time. Complaining that I don't have your favorite candy means it's time to buy your own. Oh, and if you're looking for the personal stash that I keep in my drawer? It's now secured in my locker because I got tired of it being eaten for me. You're not welcome. (I'm diabetic & hypoglycemic, so when my blood sugar crashes, I REALLY need that snack to be there)

I hope this helps. Really. For all our sakes.

Monday Musings- The Things We Get At Work, and Why Can't I Shoot Some of These Clowns?

Two officers (one a well-known goofball) come in lugging a heavy looking metal box and looking a bit nervous. I walk up to the window and the goof says to me “I forget- what’s the property room policy on explosives?” I looked him straight in the eye and said “if it goes BOOM, you will be going to your eternal rest approximately 10 seconds before I die, with my hands locked around your throat and my foot lodged squarely up your ass. Now what’s really in the box?”

It turned out that the bomb squad had taken the really dangerous stuff- all they had was the box with a bunch of books on bomb making. Goofball looked at his partner and said “You know, I could walk in here with a severed head and she’d just look at me and tell me I’m a doofus.”

My response to that was “Let’s not be testing that theory, ‘kay?”

Monday Musings- things not to say to me at work when I'm tired and cranky and my responses to them

1.       You look tired. (No, really? Silly me, I thought I looked bright eyed and bushy tailed)

2.       *coworker, snapping* I don’t need any input from you, I know how to do this. (seconds later) Um, how do I do this? (Kiss my ass, bitch, you said you knew what you were doing) 

3.       Are you having a bad day? (no, I always bite my lip until it bleeds)

4.       *person on phone telling long rambling story that is of no concern to me at all* blah blah, protecting the criminals and not the victims, and you sound like you don’t even care. (you’re right, I don’t)

5.       Did you want to finish your dinner before you start this? (I’d love to finish my dinner instead of entering your stupid search warrant, but I can’t eat with you standing there staring at me AND my coworkers telling me you’re there, as if I don’t see/hear you)

6.       Why don’t you ever look happy? (I work here, idiot, what do you think?)

7.       There’s another officer at the window. (Did I miss your promotion to management? I’m dealing with an idiot phone call, my computer is locked up, and he’s not going anywhere. If you’re that concerned, type your shit in faster and get him yourself)

8.       You’re going to hate me for this….. (Yep)

9.       Are you sure I need a report number for this? (No, I just like to hear you call dispatch- WE ARE GOING INTO YEAR 4 ON THIS SYSTEM, YES YOU NEED A %$*@%*@%&*@#%&* REPORT NUMBER)

10.   Wow, your face is really broken out! (Thanks. Your penis must be really small)

Monday Musings- Dear Officer edition

I was scrolling back through my email archives and found this little gem that's going to make it into the book someday. The incidents that prompted this took place approximately 4 days into the new year.

Dear Officers,

Here is a less-than-friendly reminder that it is NOT my job as a property clerk to do any of the following:

1.       Look up your case in the computer and read you the list of all 120 items submitted as evidence because you are too inept/lazy to look it up yourself.

2.       Pull any of said 120 items and open them to see if they contain a computer power cord. Since they were submitted by the Crime Scene Unit and they document EVERYTHING, if it was in one of them, it would say so in the description. If you want to check anyway, bring your happy ass down here and open the packages yourself. I am not opening myself up to an evidence tampering charge because you’re an idiot.

3.       Unload the gun you just brought in. Unless you want me to unload it by popping caps in your ass for being dumb enough to hand me a loaded gun in the first place.

4.       Determine what kind of drug you brought in. If I ask you if it’s crack or powder cocaine (and for federal reporting purposes they ARE classified separately), do not tell me to put it in as whatever I feel like. You’re likely to get a property slip that says “Baggie of crap that officer is too stupid to identify.”  If you really don’t know, just say that. I can list it as unknown powder and the lab will test it.

5.       Classify the item you brought in. You only have three choices- Evidence, Found Property, and Personal Property, so I don’t know why you have such a hard time figuring it out. Dithering will get you cussed out and the item thrown at you. If it isn’t found property that you don’t know the owner of, or personal items that the jail wouldn’t take or you forgot to give back, then it is EVIDENCE. Period. There is no such thing as Found Evidence, or Just Property.

Seriously, you need to start remembering these things. Many of you have been told them REPEATEDLY. I will start branding you with  “I AM AN IDIOT”  labels if this continues. My therapist and I thank you for your consideration.

Monday Musings- Dear Officer

As you may be aware, I work in a police department property room. We are responsible for the cataloguing and storing of evidence & found/personal property that comes in, as well as the documentation for said items. We often have clashes with officers who either think we're inferior because we're not sworn officers like they are, don't think it's important to follow the policies & procedures we have in place (which are generally for their protection AND ours), or who are just plain dumb. Now, I know there are days when *I* do/say dumb things, and we all have days like that. However, some of our crew have raised Being Stupid &/or Contrary to an art form. I have begun a series of letters that I'd love to send, but am not able to. (in most cases, that's probably a good thing) So here is one of the entries in the "Dear Officer" files, which I probably will turn into a book some day.

Please note- I truly respect ideals of the police department, and generally like and adore many of the officers that I come into contact with. But there are some...well, just read for yourself.....


Dear Officer-







1. Shut up.


2. Yes, you really have to fill out yet another piece of paperwork when you take money on a drug case.


3. Shut up.


4. Yes, you have to fill it out now.


5. Shut up.


6. No, WE do not fill it out for you.


7. Seriously, SHUT UP.


8. Yes, we WILL call your Sgt. and you may feel free to call ours if you’re going to have a hissy fit about this.


9. Really?


10. What exactly is the problem? You write the same thing on the form that you wrote on your citation. It’s just another form, and if you’d shut up and just filled the damned thing out while we put your stuff in, you’d have been done by now.


11. Once more, with feeling- SHUT UP!


12. Please leave now. I feel my IQ dropping.


13. Oh, yeah, SHUT UP.